The Freedom of Schedules

So we've tucked the first week of the new year under our belt and if we ate too many Christmas goodies that belt may be bulging a bit (but who wants to talk about that?).  I want to talk schedules. What do you think about schedules? Yeah me too. I've never been a scheduley sort of person.  But I thought, new year, try something new, right?  I have some projects I want to actually happen, time that seems to have slipped deftly through my fingers and toes.  It's easy to suffer from this little syndrome that Fran Leibowitz describes here: "When I'm supposed to be writing, I clean my apartment, take my clothes to the laundry, get organized, make lists, do the dishes. I would never do a dish if I didn't have to write."

It's so easy for the days to morph into weeks and merge with the months; project lists remaining as large and unfinished as ever.  When my friend the Zen monk asked about what I've done with my writing and I mumbled something about working on it this winter in the long evenings, she gently said, "you know if you don't slot in the time, it's not going to happen."  Those words have been wandering around my head, occasionally tripping over the empty canvases on the studio floor.

 So with my daughter home for a bit and both of us with projects in mind we sat down to create schedules.  We identified things we wanted to do on one list and then created a loose daily schedule that involved meditation first thing, a couple of 2 hour work blocks where I slotted in painting and writing, an exercise slot and the evening for sketching, listening to Dharma talks and whatever.  I have never really worked by a schedule.  Perhaps I have made some weak attempts on occasion but somehow that tricky customer slipped quietly out into the winter fog.  And before you take me for a total slacker, let me clarify, I'm only a partial slacker.  If I become obsessed with something the hours can pass without much else happening.  I can get on track, it's getting off the track before the train comes that can be a problem. A day of painting can easily end without a walk.  That's another issue I hope a schedule might address.

So scheduling seemed a good way to help me move from one activity to another, also a way of ensuring a particular activity got started.  I'm visualizing my schedule like one of those cute little shelves with compartments that I can pop things into; like the ones I've noticed on tumblr (whoops, that's not in the schedule, is it?). In the past I thought of schedules as way too bossy (kind of like those automatic check-outs  at the big box stores that shout "put your item in the bag"), too left brained, too business oriented, nothing an artsy sort would want or need.  Just the thought of a schedule would make my face screw up like I'd just tasted a cup of wormwood tea.

So when I asked myself "what is the essence of a schedule, why would I want to do this?"  It's about discipline, about holding and containing, about bringing order.   And if I think about Buddhist practice I see that mindfulness is simply discipline for the mind?  Instead of letting the mind roam wildly over whatever craziness strikes it, we attempt over and over to bring it back to the present moment.  As RM Jiyu Kennet Of the Order of Buddhist Contemplatives used to say, "the mind makes a good servant but not a very good master."  So really what am I doing with my schedule but trying to take charge of my time, it's discipline for the parameter of time.  Dogen, in his sobering way reminds us, "Quickly the body passes away. In a moment life is gone."  Not to be morbid, but just a good reminder to us to get on with it.

And how is my schedule going, you ask with a sly grin?  Pretty well to my surprise.  The exercise right after lunch part isn't working out too well.  In fact the exercise thing in general requires some attention.  And I forgot to schedule in a sleep in morning (my body decided that was today).  But so far I have actually started work on a little e-book that's in the future plans and have managed to get in some serious painting time.  A little sketching project is underway.  And we have built in a day for reassessing the schedule and adjusting it as needed.  That will happen Tuesday.

As always there is some Dharma in it all.  About midweek I could see some grimness creeping in, some feeling that I was being chased around by my "schedule".  My mind starting singing a little song that went, "this schedule is taking the joy out of everything."  And when I looked at this I could see it had nothing to do with "the schedule" but everything to do with my attitude, how my mind was regarding the schedule.  I could look at it as a jailer or a liberator, or perhaps I don't even have to think about it at all?  In a great little book I picked up second hand "The Art of Abstract Painting", by Rolina van Vliet she say in a section called "Freedom in restraint, "Limits encourage more intensive exploration.   ... direction and limitation activate our creativity more than does superficially wandering about among an overabundance of alternatives." She is specifically addressing the learning phase of a task. I think this is not the whole truth or always the truth, but for me, at this point, the schedule is "the restraint" and within it I can choose freedom, the freedom to get done what my heart ultimately longs to do but my wandery mind and  fearful ego shy away from.

Day 100 - A Ferry Ride With The Buddha

Well  this is it the 100th day of Dharma. How did that happen?  That might be my cue to talk about impermanence but I don't think I will.  A hundred days can pass and we hardly remember what happened between then and now, such is the fleeting nature of life. I love this quote attributed to the Buddha, "This life of separateness may be compared to a dream, a phantasm, a bubble, a shadow, a drop of dew, a flash of lightning."  So how important are all those little things that go on in between then and now.  I'm thinking about the things we fret about; mostly gone without a trace.  That's instructive for how to live our lives, don't you think?

But that's not really what I want to talk about right now.  My bedtime reading has been the Dhammapada for the last little while (I'm still on the intro!).  Last night I was reading about "Turning the Wheel of the Dharma" and it felt like it had some significance in terms of my 100 Days of Dharma.  That's what we're doing here aren't we, turning the wheel of the Dharma, thinking about our lives in terms of the Dharma, considering the teachings of the Buddha and then adjusting our daily course according to what we find and what it seems good to do.

After his enlightenment when the Buddha was questioned about who he was he answered "I am awake" (budh, from the sanskrit root, to wake up).  When he started teaching he said:  "I have found the deathless, the unconditioned: I have seen life as it is."  And really isn't that what we're aiming for, the truth, the end of suffering when we practice.  To see our lives like the movies or dramas they are and watch them, unattached, with joy and amusement and sometimes with a great big hanky.  That is the aim I think, to be passionately involved in life and at the same time know that it's all okay.  Haven't we simply been inspired by figures like the Buddha to believe that it is possible to attain this state.  They say that he was pictured as a ferryman asking the question, "Anyone for the other shore?"  Man I'm interested in one of those tickets! 

And what's the fare?  Well it's not cheap.  And the seats?  Best in the house.  The meditation cushion.  Such an important thing to remember, that the key to practice, to attainment is sitting, the foundation of all our work with the Dharma.  How did the Buddha attain Nirvana, not from talking or reading, or wandering, or thinking but through disciplined  sitting.  He sat through all the assaults of Mara, through desire and doubt.  Without the sitting we won't make much progress and even with the sitting it is a lifetime process.  So I am thinking about the important things today and sitting is one of them.  And I think part of why I decided to write 100 Days of Dharma is for the discipline, which is the same as getting to the cushion, doing what needs to be done, over and over and over.  Building that muscle to do it whether we feel like it or not, whether we are tired, or depressed, or grumpy, or sick, or ecstatically joyful, or filled with unrest.

And why do we study the Dharma?  Why do I sit?  Well I think we always start with the wish to free ourselves from suffering.  And as time goes on, whether consciously or unconsciously we are adding to the compassion in the world, we are sending off little threads of wisdom and compassion without even knowing it, kind of like little human prayer flags.  We contribute to the world in a positive way.  Just by looking at what we do and making choices, active informed choices about how to live our lives.  And perhaps as time goes on our presence becomes a little calmer, more grounded and just our energy contributes in a positive way to the world.  This is what we are doing I think, one person at a time, one day at a time, one breath at a time.

So while 100 Days of Dharma have passed, I will continue to write about life and the Dharma as things come up that seem important to me.  It has been interesting to see that I was never really stumped for a topic, that something always presented itself, though I often wondered if it would.  Maybe I'd run dry like an old well and just cough and choke and sputter out some letters of the alphabet and embarrass myself in public (maybe I have and I am too dense to notice!)  So it has been a real privilege to share a 100 Days of Dharma with you and I expect we will continue to visit as we all have purchased a lifetime ticket to the other shore.  May your journey be a good one, filled with joy and sorrow and passion and gusto.

Bows to you all.

The Zen of Writing Without Words

When I started writing "100 Days of Dharma" at the beginning of January I didn't think about how many words I'd be spilling out on to the page.  It never occurred to me that I'd become conscious of talking too much.  There are many things we can't see when we set out on our travels, namely what lies round the bend.  So here I am thinking about  "right speech", one of the tenets of the eightfold path that leads to the end of suffering.  One of the aspects of right speech is not engaging in idle chatter.  Now I don't think of this as idle chatter, but on many occasions I have thought of it as too many words.  

So then I have my koan, how do I write "100 Days of Dharma" without words?  I could simply say enough words and stop, or write less frequently (which in truth would be much more convenient for me) but I want to complete my 100 Days of Dharma for a variety of reason.  I guess I am curious to see if I can do it.   And it feels like good Dharma practice to go through with it,  good discipline.  When I look inside, the combination of writing and the Dharma have clicked into their little lock position.  And it's a way to build a little writing muscle, weight lifting the alphabet.  

Originally it was my plan to just write in a private journal, you know one with a lovely cover and lined pages.  I think if I'd done that I might not be wondering if it were too many words, but that's speculation at this point.  I ended up in the blogosphere because of an Etsy tip that suggested a blog was a good companion to your shop.  Supposedly I was to write about Etsy related stuff.  Yet the blogging immediately took on a life of it's own that doesn't have a huge amount to do with Etsy other than providing a little welcome mat to the shop.

When I started I thought the blog will make me more committed, less likely to abandon the empty page when the first pang of sloth & torpor hit (sound like a couple of cartoon characters don't they?).   The threat of a little public shaming is apparently effective for me.  But I think the public nature of the writing is also what leads me to ask  " is this too many words?"  Then I have to ask why is this?  Is it my ego, my little self again, primping and straightening in front of the mirror?  Am I simply worried that you will think I'm a blabbermouth, a bag of self inflated hot air, a windbag of tornado proportions, a blathering bombastic Buddha babbler (okay enough already) ?  I think if I am to be truthful there is some of that.

So I am thinking about silence, the fact that we need silence to get to know ourselves, that our true realizations often come when we are sitting silently.  And that in general I know I'd be better off if I listened more and talked less.  And so there is the work for today and always. And so I will end with fewer words than usual perhaps, a fitting ode to silence and right speech and with a quote from Sengstau, the 3rd Zen Patriarch "The more you talk and think about it, the further astray you wander from the truth."  I think I am going to need a very big bag of bread crumbs to get me home, Hansel.

100 Days of Dharma

In September walking along a blue skyed beach, watching grey whales spout the idea popped into my head that I should write 100 days of Dharma.... (did the spouting of the whales make me think of my own spouting off?? eek)  My plan was I should find time everyday to write something that pertained to the Dharma, some aspect that was up on my radar or that I had been working with in daily life. The 100 days came from a qi gong class I was taking where this amazing qi gong master suggested that 100 days was what it took to really get acquainted with something, to experience it at a deeper level.  

I started out with great enthusiasm on day 1 and then as the days passed I seem to get busy with other things, things like watering the garden, having breakfast.  You know the things that make up a day.... and I would find myself writing later and later in the day until one day I just didn't write.  The next day I posited that it could still be 100 days of Dharma but not necessarily consecutive.  The mind is a slippery creature!  And so I carried on...thinking it better to write than not to. But then I got a cold and that was my excuse, so after a couple of weeks the 100 days of Dharma fell into a place that so many good intentions do, that dark closet of good ideas and projects and plans collecting metaphorical dust, piled up next to the heap of forgotten dreams and abandoned aspirations.

But here it is peeking its head out of the closet, the 100 days of Dharma, timidly I admit, but hopeful in a way you might expect from the Dharma....patient and kind, slightly bemused at this silly human.  When I started writing this blog it was mainly as a vehicle to promote my Etsy site (gasp!)  I had read this was a good thing to do and that lots of Etsians (not related to Martians) did this.  But after a day or two of writing I remembered how much I love to write... and being a simple sort I like the idea of one pot dinners so why not combine all my passions: art, Dharma and writing.  If I committed in some public kind of way maybe I would actually do the 100 days.  Does fear of public shaming count as discipline?   When my Zen teacher talks about discipline she talks about "grasping the will."  So here it is the first of 100 days.  It is about lots of things, discipline, about building new habits, its about refining the art of whatever by repetition (Malcom Gladwell whose books I love, says in his latest book called "Outliers" that it takes 10,000 hours of practice to really master something).  And ultimately it's just about the doing, the mystery of starting something and finding out where it takes you, the following of your bliss as Joseph Campbell referred to it.  So what forgotten project is peeking its hopeful little head out of your closet hoping for 100 days of attention???