Drama, The Energy Hog Of The Emotional Environment

We learn a lot from our children, from our parents, from anyone for that matter, if we are willing to be their student. When my mother used to tell me what other family members should be doing, I would remind her that we only get one life to live and that's our own. Today I got to remind myself of this. And when I said this to my self, I could feel the irritation and coldness behind those words. I could feel how she might have felt when I said this, slightly reprimanded. And while I could feel the emotion behind the words, I could feel their truth. Without the emotional charge, these words are simply a statement and a true one.

But I digress. Today my daughter offered me this lesson and with it I found an invitation to let go, to drop the story line. I had suggested that something she was considering doing might not be a good idea. And when she did it anyway I felt a deep pang of disappointment, followed by a cascade of other feelings, anger for one. And then a big story started to brew on the mind's horizon, a feature length drama kicked into full production; lights, action camera. I decided to close the movie set down pretty quickly as these things are simply too tiring, too boring and suck up far too much energy. Drama is definitely the energy hog of the emotional environment.

So instead I just breathed in the hot, stinging breath of disappointment and anger until it passed, until I realized it wasn't a big deal, that I didn't want to add a layer of tension to the relationship. In my heart I know that as a parent my intention is to be helpful and to approach any situation filled with the anger of "I know what's best for you" is never helpful. What I imagine to be helpful and what is helpful can be two different things so I need to be vigilant.

So my hope is to just be with her tomorrow when I see her and let my response come from deep inside me. And I realize that the best thing for me to do is simply to have faith; to have faith in her, in her wonderful intelligence and inner knowing and to have faith in life, that it brings us all what we need.

So a simple text message offered me the opportunity to let go, to not be attached to my version of the world and to know that even if it is my fierce, motherly wish, I can never protect anyone from their pain.

So Long And Thanks For The Fish

The scent of cilantro from the garden lingers on my hands as I type this. I can see 6 lovely little boats anchored off the small island to the north as I sit on the deck, ocean spread out in front of me like a wide screen TV. The air is like a tepid bath, a welcome note in this so far coolish summer.

Now you might think things were quite perfect here in lotus land but that would belie the fact that a small trail of Dukkha seems to be following me around. I won't go into details but it involves my usual dharma ornaments of late, housing and art.

The days have been filled with disruptions that seem to throw me off my game every morning. I have a plan, life intervenes and I never get to my plan. It's like some strange witches brew poured into the morning coffee. The fridge doesn't work and all the food in it is going bad. No one returns phone calls. And more that I won't mention. There is a feeling tone to it all that oozes anxiety and dissatisfaction. And in the trail of slightly off cue steps I find my expectations that things should work out smoothly, lying on the floor like a smothered cat. The little details should get taken care of in a timely manner, I expect that. Ah, expectations, the mother of disappointment. And the cloudy cataract that they cast over everything.

And as the week pulls itself forward, one set of strange twists and turns works out in our favour and then a surprising email arrives that seems like a rude little punch in the stomach. And then I get to watch all the old vulnerabilities come up, washed in tears. I can see the wounded ego. I can see that anger is just hurt, spewing fire. And in a strange way I know it's all okay. I trust that there is a bigger picture. I know that the person who has dealt my ego a big blow is confused and hurting. I have to remember not to lash out. Can I navigate the inevitable with grace?

And so the days go by filled with teaching. I see the opportunity to not go down the same old path. I breath in the hurt and just experience it. I know there is some reason somewhere for this chain of events that I don't quite understand. I remember to forge a new response weakening the old neural pathways the old habitual ones that are quick to feel not good enough, to indulge in despair. "wrong way" I hold up the sign on that neural pathway. Time to try a different off ramp.

And so I can say that life is strange, that adversity is really opportunity in wolves clothing. And while we are inclined to like the days where things work out seemingly in our favour I ask the question "who really knows what good or bad is?" I simply know what is.

Dharma Jewelery & Zen Confections

Here is the little sister enso of the one I posted last time. The first part of the fun is creating the textured ground and then the deliciously goopy resin-like enso paint gets dripped on like cake icing. mmmm, I'm getting hungry. I'll have a large slice of enso with a double scoop of sukkha, a lovely Zen confection. But my foolish streak is getting tangled with my sweet tooth and if I'm not careful I might need a chiropractic adjustment (of the spiritual kind, of course).

As the days pass and life goes on, the little box cars of disappointment and sadness that have been passing over the terrain are trailing off in the distance. Disappointing house news. Several days pass. A pleasant phone call comes in. An art opening takes place. The garden needs water. Canada Day Fireworks. We pop into an eco-builder's open house. Each activity, like a delicate sheet of tissue paper adds an ethereal cloudy layer to what went before. The brilliant present fades into the foggy past. It is always that way, I think. The more difficult the situation, the more story we give it, the more extended the fade out process. If we can find our way to just let things be, their dream like quality makes itself known to us. If we keep tearing up and pulling off the layers of tissue, we prolong the process, contributing to our own suffering.

And while the intensity of experience fades with time, it is different than pushing it away. We're not beating off our sadness with ice cream or new shoes. We're just letting impermanence run its course. So while we're not indulging in comestibles or new wardrobe items Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche recommends the following jewellery: "Difficulties are like the ornaments of a good practitioner. Dharma is not practiced perfectly amidst pleasant circumstances."

What are your ornaments?

The Taste of Attachment

Another enso. Another day. More Thoughts.

"Not knowing how to work with thought means one is controlled by thoughts. Knowing how to work with thought means that thought is brought into awareness and used either for positive purposes and virtuous action or is liberated into its empty essence. This is how thought is utilized in the path. In the same way, we can bring delusion, suffering, and any experience whatsoever into the path. But to do so we must understand that the essence of all that arises is empty. When we do, then every moment of life is free and all experience is spiritual practice: all sound is mantra, all form is pure emptiness, and all suffering is a teaching. This is what is meant by “transforming into the path.” - Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche

Teaching, suffering, attachments, lots of thoughts all mixed together in a gooey stew. This was today's meal. And when it was served up we got to chew on some hard bits and some bitter tastes we didn't much care for but there you have it, life stew 101.

You need all the tastes, salty, sour, sweet, bitter and pungent to create a really memorable dish. Today's meal was made up of the news that the owners of this lovely property are not ready to sell it. While we understand, we were filled with sadness and disappointment. We got to see how attached we'd become, how we rested our hopes on a few spoken sentences. And how this imbued meaning, these thoughts created suffering. Simple story. And the work was to not deny our disappointment but to spend some time with these weighty feelings, shed a few tears and not run with a story. Not to call ourselves foolish for harbouring hope, not to incriminate others for speaking words that fostered hope, but simply to know this is a common human dance. If we were wiser beings we might have been completely open to whatever came along. But being lesser mortals we drifted in and out of sadness and disappointment

But nothing is ever wasted if you learn from it. We learned how quickly hope can build and how little is needed to fuel it. And we learned that it's all okay. No one did anything wrong. It is an opportunity now to move in a different direction. My old Dharma teacher always said, "a no is as good as a yes". It is an opportunity to look up and have faith and trust that things work themselves out, that there is a bigger picture that we don't see.

And as we ate our dinner we remembered to have gratitude for these folks who have generously shared their beautiful home with us. It was a wonderful, magical welcome to the island. We look forward to the next step into the great unknown. May life bring you what you need.