Old Moon, New Adventures In Being Human

The Full Cold Moon on Dec 28th

It's new year's eve and the light is just beginning to drain from the day.  A small deer stands in the meadow down by the pond. He stares strangely toward the house of a neighbour that hunts his kind. It's a strange behaviour that I've witnessed often on our property.  Can he sense something?  What catches his attention? Am I imagining this? Or are the roosters just making noise? I really can't know, in a definitive way.

His small gesture reminds me that this year I have come to more deeply appreciate that this world is alive with energy that I cannot see, pulsing with sounds I can't hear and filled with things I cannot understand with my linear mind. In short this year has convinced me that world is a magical place, full of mystery. It is a blend of simplicity and complexity that defies wrapping it up neatly in a ball.  It is what makes life truly tantalizing.

I have learned that to live in this world with some grace it is important to be able to hold opposing thoughts in my mind. While I have learned that I am not in control of what happens, I have also learned that there is power in my intentions.  So while I can relax and not push so hard for what I "want" to happen, I can also hold the good and beautiful in my mind in an unattached way. Maybe it sounds confusing when I try to reduce it to mere words, but when I can actually live this way it is strong and powerful.

I think I was born knowing that nothing is ever wasted if you learn something from it, but this year I've bumped up against this one in ways that have left me bruised and scraped and deeply humbled. I'm not at all as nice as I hoped I was.  Perhaps I need to get a dog so I can see myself through her eyes, but alas I am a cat person.  I've learned that anger can bubble up like a mad cauldron and that it can be hard to keep from getting burnt and burning others with it's fire.  And sometimes you just need to see those glowing embers to really get it. I've learned how tangled up with expectation, attachment, hurt and self protection, anger can be.

I've learned that so much hinges on gratitude and intention.  I've learned that I need to remind myself of that everyday, that I have the choice, to lift 5 lbs of gratitude each morning or let the muscle atrophy out of neglect. I've learned how these feelings inspire the beauty of the day to smile back at me.

And I hope I've learned a smidge about kindness and compassion. I hope that sometimes when people say or do something that seems unkind that I recall my own less than stellar behaviour and am reminded that we are all riding in the same leaky little boat.

And I have learned that sometimes I have more choices than I think, that I can find a creative solution when I think I feel like I'm backed into a corner. I like to think I have learned just a little more this year how to follow that still, small voice inside.

moon through rain on the window

So I would just like to say thank-you to 2012 for being such a rich year, full of learning and magic and beauty, peppered with the inevitable sadness that comes from living a life here on earth.

I wish you all a new year of great joy and health, filled with all the beauty this world has to offer (and a few excellent adventures). May you venture out past your comfortable boundaries, may you have some deeply satisfying conversations, may you enjoy the warmth of interesting humans and animals. May the sun of 2013 warm your bones and the breezes blow sweetly through your hair. May you be fully alive. These are my wishes for you as you step with gusto into another new year.

Living In The Insane Asylum

I recently had the pleasure to spend a few days at Birken Forest  Monastery. The monastery is tucked away in BC's high ranch land, not somewhere you'd necessarily expect to find a Buddhist monastery. But hey, Buddhism is about working with our expectations, right, so might as well start from the get-go?

As we headed up the road toward Birken we gorged on the sight of velvety green hills ( we'd already gorged on lunch to fortify ourselves for the "no food past noon rule" at Theravaden monasteries.  The temperature in the car registered 97 degrees and the wind from the open window tossed my hair about as we turned on to the gravelly, potholed part of the road for the last bit of the drive.

The weekend was steeped in silence and 5:15 wake-up bells , the whistles of marmots and the wind rattling in the poplar leaves. There is something about the way monastics hold a space. Somehow it manages to be filled with a wordless generosity and peace, both grounded and groundless, if that makes any sense.

marmots making themselves at home at Birken

I had the occasion to ask about one of my pet topics (which has been getting a bit of work out lately due to household circumstances): anger. And as all good lay people, I wanted a recipe to dispel my anger, something simple and instant and fool proof (what else would a fool want but something fool proof?) I have heard Ajahn Sona speak before and his answers always surprise me (which I love) and he did not disappoint.

"Just think of the world as an insane asylum," he suggested. "People are always doing crazy things, unskillful things all the time. You never know what they are going to do. Think of yourself as a psychiatric nurse in the insane asylum. You are never surprised because anybody might do anything at anytime."

Now we are going to think of the world as an insane asylum in the nicest of ways, right? We're not going to use this idea to make ourselves more jaundiced or jaded. Goodness knows we don't need that! We're going to use it to make ourselves more agile and skillful. We're going to use this to hone our skills of "anything can happen at anytime." We are always standing on the edge of the unknown, it's just that we're constantly forgetting that we're on the edge of this precipice.

Instead of getting angry when someone doesn't keep their word, when they do something rude or inconsiderate, we simply nod and go "yep that's what it's like in the asylum." We have compassion for the inmates of this world (and we are one of them) and some days we're the craziest one in the asylum. Sometimes the inmates' delusion or greed or hatred (just like us) gets the best of them and they do crazy stuff.

Ajahn Sona suggested doing a "surprise meditation" each morning where we take a few minutes to remind ourselves that we live in a place where anything can happen at any time. This helps us remember when the person that promised to help us, has forgotten or changed his mind, when someone cuts us off in traffic, when any number of crazy making things happens.

I realized later, rather than discussing the afflictive emotion of anger, Ajahn Sona had chosen to focus on "right view". He didn't need to advise me on the specifics of working with anger. He simply reminded me that if "we see things as they are" we won't have unrealistic expectations, we won't be disappointed when our desires are not met. The view of ourselves as the centre of the universe may actually weaken and we will feel freer, less tossed about and buffeted by the circumstances of life.

Buddha in the marsh

As I have started working at my job in the asylum  I can see how much "ego" I need to let go of to hold this view, how strong my craving to be right is. The stories of my righteous indignation seem much thinner and  more wobbly, like a spinning top, slowing down.  In the insane asylum, crazy stuff happens.  That's all I need to know, really. It's that simple.

As a post script, that doesn't mean I never take action. Sometimes the craziness requires some skillful intervention. It just means I don't need to get mad about it. I may live in the insane asylum but I don't need to make it the Cuckoo's nest.

Meeting My Special Person

Do you have a "special" person in your life? One that my friend the Zen monk calls "your great teacher". Not too long ago I spent some time with my "special" person. My joke was he shows me how good my practice isn't.

And it's always interesting for me. Sometimes I prepare myself and I "do okay" in my assessment. No blood is spilled, no unkind words are uttered, no looks to make anyone wither are flashed, no feelings of irritation ooze from my pores polluting the general atmosphere.

This time I did "okay" for a while but as the days of our togetherness passed my patience began to wither. I did what I could. I took time alone, I busied myself. But there came a point where unkindness oozed from my pores. I said a couple of impatient things and generally behaved in ways that did not contribute to the energy field in a helpful way, you might say.

I was left with a karmic hangover. Pass the spiritual aspirin. So while I lamented a little over it, in the end my examination of the process was in an effort to see what I might do differently next time I get together with my special person or meet someone who else who possesses the special qualities that seem to push my buttons.

What my postmortem revealed was that when I finally "caved" there was a definite lapse in awareness. Someone was continually poking at me (at least that's how it felt to me) and instead of seeing it as a flashing red light to take another breath and be extra vigilant about my response, I saw a red flag and responded in an old habitual way, a little silent anger.

I also realized I was doing the best I could and that I felt bad because I had "expectations" of how I should manage the situation. The upside of remorse however is that we get to examine our actions and consider our options for future behaviour.

I realized that my next meeting with my "special" person is an opportunity to do intense awareness practice. I am almost looking forward to it. How do you work with your special person?

What Are You Adding To The Energy Soup?

This tree is just down the road from me. I call it the heart tree. It's a bit hard to see in the photo but people have gathered stones that are shaped like hearts and tucked them into the mossy crevices of this living tree. It makes you smile just to see it.

In my imaginings, one creative soul tucked in the first rock and then others joined in, searching the ground for heart-shaped stones and adding them to the collection.

The tree reminded me of a Dharma talk I heard a while back. Heather talked about how we live in a teeming energy field. Everything is alive with energy. We are part of the ingredients in a giant pot of energy soup, if you like. Her question to us was, when the going gets tough (or anytime really) it's good to ask ourselves what do we want to contribute to the energy field? What do we want to contribute to the energy soup, a bitter, slightly off ingredient or something sweet and tasty.

I loved this question as something to ask myself as I go about my day. And I had the opportunity to answer it as I spent Friday in the city doing errands; getting a haircut, doing banking, buying vitamins, and generally rushing about before overnighting with a friend. As I ate a muffin and walked down a busy street I decided to pass a fellow walking a little more slowly than I. As I passed him, he picked up his pace. This felt oddly uncomfortable, so I picked up mine. And then I heard a quiet, but not too quiet voice say, "Do you always cut people off?" In my mind I had not cut him off as I did not tuck myself back in front of him but somehow he felt cut off. Quickly my mind thought I have an opportunity here. So I slowed down and said, "did it feel like I cut you off, that was not my intention. I apologize if that's how it seemed. Really what I am doing is rushing about doing a bunch of errands." And at that point we began a little chat, remarked on the sunny day and when we parted at the stop lights, he wished me a nice day. It was my impression that I had not sent him on his way to stew about how rude and inconsiderate people are and that perhaps he even felt a bit cheered by our exchange. I felt like I had added at least a pinch of something wholesome to the energy soup. In the past I probably would have shrugged and thought, he's having a bad day and carried on.

So I offer this to you, this little question, that can be answered in tiny ways, like my walking experience or in large ways, especially with dear ones. What are you adding to the energy soup? A great thought I find, when things get a bit dicey.

Welcome Your "Guests"

I am hoping you all have bad memories and think you haven't seen this little collage before! Another nice Dharma talk by Heather Martin at the Gate House last night. The part that resonated deeply for me had to do with having unconditional friendliness toward what she called "the defilements". I am more familiar with them as the 5 hindrances (remember Buddhism is the religion of lists, not to be confused with making a religion of lists). And I am definitely familiar with the unsuccessful and wasted effort involved in trying to push them away. And the delusion in thinking that experiences these arisings makes me somehow "faulty" or a bad practitioner.

We are all familiar with these hindrances:

desire (which has a range, including rejecting)

anger or ill will

sloth & torpor

agitation, restlessness, worry

doubt

She reminded us to look deeply inside when these things arise, get familiar with them. Our usual inclination is to look at the object of the feelings. We focus on the person who made us angry, the source of our worry. She suggested that we might view them all as visitors, not laden with the heavy self ownership we can imbue them with. And she reminded us of the lovely Rumi poem called "The Guest House" that I will leave you with. Now go forth and attend with loving kindness to your guests!

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

~ Rumi ~

Technology As Practice

Technology and I have never been the best of friends. And it is said that your enemies (a bit strong perhaps??) are your teachers. I finally succumbed to several suggestions that facebook might not be a bad thing to do. A little social media marketing. I am slowly being dragged into the 21st century (kicking and screaming a bit). So there we are technology and I staring each other down.

It seems I can speak blogger but trying to manouver facebook is a bit like someone speaking to me in tongues. I mostly just don't get it. But hey I have waded neck high into this puddle and the stubborn part of me is not leaving the pond, til I at least learn how to paddle around a bit.

So technology as practice brings up my impatience. I just want to get this done! I don't want to read all this stuff. I just want it to work. I was surprised when I first read that impatience is a form of anger. But if you look at it carefully you see the truth in this. It has the sentiment of I want this my way and I want it now! So when importing my blog feed to fb didn't work, impatience stopped by for a visit. How do you deal with impatience?? This is when we start to learn about this little thing we call ourselves, our habitual tendencies, our karmic inclinations. Mostly I want someone to help me out here. And I'm onto it like a dog with a bone, dragging it everywhere.

We could throw in a little dollop of the 5 hindrances. My tangle with technobusiness shows me my laziness. Some people will buckle down and study up. Me, I will thrash around on google a bit but I don't want to put in a whole lot of concerted effort.

And so it goes. I have gone away for a few days and now returned to try again. Now that is a reasonable way for dealing with frustrating situations. This is a test post. As always we can regard situations we encounter as a test. A test of our practice, of our progress. For what is it that really matters, is how we behave out in the world. This is what shows us where our practice really lies, what needs refinement, or where we need to shine the light of attention. Where's your test post?

Drama, The Energy Hog Of The Emotional Environment

We learn a lot from our children, from our parents, from anyone for that matter, if we are willing to be their student. When my mother used to tell me what other family members should be doing, I would remind her that we only get one life to live and that's our own. Today I got to remind myself of this. And when I said this to my self, I could feel the irritation and coldness behind those words. I could feel how she might have felt when I said this, slightly reprimanded. And while I could feel the emotion behind the words, I could feel their truth. Without the emotional charge, these words are simply a statement and a true one.

But I digress. Today my daughter offered me this lesson and with it I found an invitation to let go, to drop the story line. I had suggested that something she was considering doing might not be a good idea. And when she did it anyway I felt a deep pang of disappointment, followed by a cascade of other feelings, anger for one. And then a big story started to brew on the mind's horizon, a feature length drama kicked into full production; lights, action camera. I decided to close the movie set down pretty quickly as these things are simply too tiring, too boring and suck up far too much energy. Drama is definitely the energy hog of the emotional environment.

So instead I just breathed in the hot, stinging breath of disappointment and anger until it passed, until I realized it wasn't a big deal, that I didn't want to add a layer of tension to the relationship. In my heart I know that as a parent my intention is to be helpful and to approach any situation filled with the anger of "I know what's best for you" is never helpful. What I imagine to be helpful and what is helpful can be two different things so I need to be vigilant.

So my hope is to just be with her tomorrow when I see her and let my response come from deep inside me. And I realize that the best thing for me to do is simply to have faith; to have faith in her, in her wonderful intelligence and inner knowing and to have faith in life, that it brings us all what we need.

So a simple text message offered me the opportunity to let go, to not be attached to my version of the world and to know that even if it is my fierce, motherly wish, I can never protect anyone from their pain.

So Long And Thanks For The Fish

The scent of cilantro from the garden lingers on my hands as I type this. I can see 6 lovely little boats anchored off the small island to the north as I sit on the deck, ocean spread out in front of me like a wide screen TV. The air is like a tepid bath, a welcome note in this so far coolish summer.

Now you might think things were quite perfect here in lotus land but that would belie the fact that a small trail of Dukkha seems to be following me around. I won't go into details but it involves my usual dharma ornaments of late, housing and art.

The days have been filled with disruptions that seem to throw me off my game every morning. I have a plan, life intervenes and I never get to my plan. It's like some strange witches brew poured into the morning coffee. The fridge doesn't work and all the food in it is going bad. No one returns phone calls. And more that I won't mention. There is a feeling tone to it all that oozes anxiety and dissatisfaction. And in the trail of slightly off cue steps I find my expectations that things should work out smoothly, lying on the floor like a smothered cat. The little details should get taken care of in a timely manner, I expect that. Ah, expectations, the mother of disappointment. And the cloudy cataract that they cast over everything.

And as the week pulls itself forward, one set of strange twists and turns works out in our favour and then a surprising email arrives that seems like a rude little punch in the stomach. And then I get to watch all the old vulnerabilities come up, washed in tears. I can see the wounded ego. I can see that anger is just hurt, spewing fire. And in a strange way I know it's all okay. I trust that there is a bigger picture. I know that the person who has dealt my ego a big blow is confused and hurting. I have to remember not to lash out. Can I navigate the inevitable with grace?

And so the days go by filled with teaching. I see the opportunity to not go down the same old path. I breath in the hurt and just experience it. I know there is some reason somewhere for this chain of events that I don't quite understand. I remember to forge a new response weakening the old neural pathways the old habitual ones that are quick to feel not good enough, to indulge in despair. "wrong way" I hold up the sign on that neural pathway. Time to try a different off ramp.

And so I can say that life is strange, that adversity is really opportunity in wolves clothing. And while we are inclined to like the days where things work out seemingly in our favour I ask the question "who really knows what good or bad is?" I simply know what is.

Zen Master Clothes Line

The other day my new and dearly beloved clothes line and I were having a little disagreement. Somehow the plastic line came off the metal pulley causing it not to work. This became the occasion for a little Dharma teaching; me as somewhat unwilling student and clothes line as Zen master.

I thought I would just quickly right the problem and slip the line back on the metal pulley and get on with things. I tried to do this in the easiest and quickest manner possible, not paying that much attention. "Let's get this done, should be easy."

First try entailed a fair bit of struggling and resulted in a product where the lines were crossed. At that point I was getting a little testy. The project seemed to require more strength than I had in my hands and I was getting tired of this. After a fair bit of gnashing and wrangling I realized that my frustration was nothing more than desire, wanting things to be my way. Oh and by the way they should be easy! It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining, I was outside, yet I was annoyed and frustrated. When the truth struck me upside the head (Zen masters like to give a little wack when necessary) I decided to pause, take a breath and examine things from another angle. How did the pulley and line fit together? And maybe it just required a little concentrated attention, some awareness perhaps.

Sure enough in a minute or two I had it fixed. And I could see that my frustration was nothing more than desire sporting a different outfit. It seemed there were two kinds of frustration, one that is very much like that aggressive, shouting anger. How dare this happen? What a pain. I have better things to do. And the whiney depressed defeated frustration that says I'm never going to get this fixed. Why doesn't someone just come rescue poor me. I'm not strong enough for this task.

So that was how Zen Master Clothes Line offered up the Dharma for the day. I apparently have a thing for clothes lines. This little collage above is from a very old series called "Life On The Line" comprised of many scenarios on clothes lines, weddings, baby things, bears, gardening accoutrements, underwear, dogs, cats, even hockey things. You're getting the picture. And by the way, does anyone know how to use the little pulley contraption that connects the two lines?

The Dharma of PhotoShop

I'm not gonna write about frustration today, nope I'm not.  I'm not going to tell you about spending hours with photoshop trying to figure out #**!! how to manage image size.  You don't want to hear about any of that.  What I can tell you is that no injuries were incurred by any piece of hardware or software, nothing was dangled out the window by its cord, no rude emails were dashed off to Adobe Systems(okay maybe composed in my mind), no clumps of hair were removed from either my own head or that of the cat.  All in all I think I behaved rather well for a cranky, self diagnosed, technophobe.  

So where does frustration fit in to the Dharma?  I am wondering about it now.  Before I just was frustration, after the fact I can wonder about it.  I guess it's about impatience which I have heard said is really just a form of anger.  And anger reduced is just one of the 3 poisons (hatred).  When you stop and think about it impatience is an aggressive kind of energy.  Frustration turned outward might result in some unpleasant words spoken.  Frustration turned inward might be some disparaging self-talk.

And I think desire figures into frustration because there is an element of wanting implied.  I am frustrated because things are not working out as I'd hoped or planned.  Often it goes with "I want this to work out easily and I want it to work out now!"  It's about expectation in a way too, isn't it?  Because if I didn't expect it to be easy, well I wouldn't be surprised and irritated when it wasn't!  And do I detect an element of laziness in frustration, perhaps lurking quietly in a back pocket.  I am frustrated because I am having to put in more time and effort than I wanted to.  Ah, there is that word want again.

And what does frustration make us do?  Do we give up?  Does it put us off our plans?  Does it make us feel bad?  Or do we go damn it, I'm gonna figure this out?  Or where's that cheesecake?  Or bottle of whiskey?  Or do we say, "it's my mother's fault I'm not good at this!"  It all depends on our habitual tendencies I suspect and our karmic packages.  These things are our raw materials that figure into our reactions and let us know where our work is.

So when we meet frustration standing in the isle, arms crossed, looking a lot like a grumpy version of Mr. Clean what do we do?  Do we melt into a puddle or explode and burn up like a small human meteor (both damaging to the carpet)? This gets me thinking about skillful means.  Maybe it's about knowing when to stop, when to take a break, when to call an expert or a friend.  Or maybe for me, it's about learning to persevere, to regroup and learn to go through the manual (I'm the kind of person that only reads the instructions after the fact when all the buttons have been pushed and the warranty has been invalidated by my foolish actions).  I think the more we learn about ourselves, the more we see in each instance, what we need to do.  We're kind of like our own built in instruction booklet, don't you think?  But mostly we're so busy looking for the easy way out or for someone else to tell us what to do (preferably an expert), or maybe we'd like a generalization that will fit all circumstances.  And while we're busy looking in all those places we fail to read ourselves very well and see what we really need to do in this moment, in these particular circumstances.

So it's a good thing I didn't bore you with a big long winded story about my frustration because well, you would only have found the experience very frustrating.  And then what would you do?

The Work of the Heart

In the most recent issue of Shambhala Sun, Norman Fischer, in a piece called "Applied Dharma", talks about using Buddhist principles in mediation, the law and health care.  When writing about mediation, Fischer says, "One of ... the  key concepts is the notion that no conflict is about what it seems to be about.  Impasses over money or property are really about deeper concerns that usually do not surface.  Any solution that does not address these deeper concerns won't really hold."

When I read this I was reminded how I have learned this in my own life.  As I started to look a little more deeply at what was going on, I could often see that what I was citing on the surface as the problem, was only a thin skin covering a deeper, more painful issue of the "little self" or ego.  And if I looked carefully enough I could see a common thread joining the things that bothered me.  The relationship between neighbours that took all the parking spaces on the street, my daughter not helping around the house and my mother needing me to run just one more errand for her.  

I could see it wasn't about the specific issues; because if a neighbour I liked, took my parking space I didn't feel irritated.  If my friend the Buddhist monk asked me to run another errand for her, I didn't feel chagrined.  Logic was telling me that something else was going on.  I needed to look more deeply.  What about these situations drove me a little crazy?  Why couldn't I just take them in my stride, say no big deal and carry on.  The common thread which I unravelled was that I (my little self), felt unconsidered.  When I saw this dangling thread I knew it was attached to a very old piece of karma.  It pushed a button so deep and tender that I could feel the lifetimes of angst behind it.

We all have different buttons and threads, we are a veritable wardrobe of tender wounds and karmic baggage.  I remember my teacher saying if the feelings you are experiencing seem out of proportion to the event, chances are that it's karmic.  So when Fischer says, it's not about the money or the property, there are several levels to explore, both the deeper feelings that we keep covered up and our own "issues" that keep coming up to greet us until we work on them.

And that is what I learned from watching myself, seeing the pain I felt and the pain I could cause for others if I was not careful.  I needed to ante up and look more deeply at what was going on and deal with that issue or it would come back again and again.  So it is never about the parking place, or the money or the property.  Are we willing to look?  Are we willing to do the hard work that needs to be done?  To hang out with the irrational, with our anger, our suffering until it calms and settles and we can figure out what is the good thing to do.  Any solution that doesn't come from that place is merely a band aid, a home handy man's repair job.  In time it will simply fail to do the job.   It is the deeper exploration of "what is really going on here"  that will help us do the work of the heart.

The Doorway In

This mixed media piece is textured with some tissue paper and medium underlying the acrylic paint.  The Buddha is painted over an abstract background of  magenta and acid green with some Asian script stamped on.  No matter how I worked with this Buddha he always came up looking sad.  I tried to make him happy but he was having none of that.  He seems a fitting companion to the writing that follows.

In Buddhism they talk about the 3 poisons (or passions if you prefer): greed, hate and delusion.  As humans we experience them all but it is said that we each have a predisposition toward one.  

For years I wandered around the edges of  a Buddhist practice.  I was what could  jokingly be referred to as  a "bookstore Buddhist" reading copious quantities of  books on the subject.  I did some Shambhala training and sat with them for a while but nothing really clicked.  And then 2 things happened.  A woman who ran a Feng Shui store where I sold some of my art started telling me about a monk who had come to live in town.  When I met this grandmotherly monk I was smitten.  She was human, she was compassionate, she was full of wisdom but still I sat on the fence instead of diving in to her weekly sitting group.  

Then IT happened.  (If you'd asked me , at this point in my life, I would never have said I was an angry person.  After all angry people go around shouting and kicking doors right?).  Then one day my neighbour did something (and I don't need to go in to the details).  It involved the damaging of property that belonged to me and a loss of something precious to me (privacy) but there were deeper layers to it.  It pushed some real buttons of vulnerability in me.  I was enraged.  Because I had some acquaintance with Buddhist thought I could watch myself and what was plain was the deep personal suffering my anger created.  I was agitated, I was unhappy and I spent a lot of time thinking about the unpleasant encounter and  what I could do about it.  My neighbour and I behaved like 5 year olds for a couple of weeks until one day I realized the buck needed to stop somewhere and it was going to be with me.  It was through this experience that I learned how much anger lived inside me, how certain circumstances caused it to flare up.  I could see it as a deep form of suffering.   

And so I began my Buddhist practice in earnest by visiting my Zen teacher for the first time and asking "how do you work with anger?"  That was 4 years ago and I have joked over the years that my neighbour brought me to practice.  And my teacher has said "really you should thank  your neighbour.  She is a Bodhisattva".

So my doorway in to practice was anger.  And I have done lots of work here in the trenches of anger and of course as my teacher would say "practice is ongoing.  There is always more work to do".  So while it can be painful to look at what we get up to, whether it manifests as  greed, hate or delusion or some form of combo order.  (I'll have a full order of anger with a side of delusion, hold the fries).  This is the compassionate side of suffering. It helps us see what we are really up to and if we are willing to take that difficult and honest look at ourselves we can transform this poison into something precious and helpful.  Anger when we work with it transforms to compassion.  Greed transforms to generosity and delusion (or confusion) transforms to wisdom.  So if you've heard that old saying that your greatest weakness is really your greatest strength, it's true.   You can find the truth in this through the transformation process of working with your passion.  So are you a greed type, an anger type or do you live in a state of delusion?

The first step,  like in AA is awareness, acknowledging what we do.   My teacher always says this takes courage.  It's not easy to look poison in they eye.  The next is to work with "our stuff".  At first we might only catch ourselves at our greed, after we've eaten the 3 pieces of cake and feel kind of sick, but as time goes on we get to catch ourselves in mid bite.  The next time we might see the arising of greed as we think about the slice of cake in the bakery window.  Not that there's anything wrong with cake (personal favourite tofu cheesecake if you're thinking of sending any) but it's always about our motivation.  Am I using this cake, this cup of coffee to stuff down some feelings, to comfort myself?  What are we getting up to?  And it is only with that kind of awareness that we can sit through the craving, the temptation to say the angry thing and make a choice.  Then we are truly free, free from being battered about and run by our emotions.  This is where our work lies every day.  So my wish for you is that you become a spiritual alchemist  in your life lab transforming that base metal into gold.