Are You A Ping Pong Ball or a Plate?

I hope you're sitting down because I almost have a new piece of art to post. I guess that means you only have to be half way sitting down because it's a "not quite done piece". But that half way sitting down could be really awkward and uncomfortable so maybe we should just forget that part of the equation. Collage and painted background of one of our favourite guys in some of my habitual colours, but also colours inspired by him!

Looks like Wednesday night posts will stand on the shoulder's of the evening's Dharma talk. I am always inspired by a good Dharma talk and Heather Martin delivers the apres sit wisdom with ease and spontaneity. How do we meet the ever changing experiences of life? How do we work with difficult emotions? Are we easily thrown off centre when things don't go the way we expected or the way we "want" them to go? Do we react to circumstances in habitual ways, in the blink of an eye, ways that may be unhelpful and that we sometimes live to regret? Do we watch the dominoes of karma tumbling down in familiar and painful patterns?

The analogy tossed out was that of a ping pong ball. Do you get easily blown off course when the life gives you a little tap (or a big tap)? When we are constantly at the beck and call of outer circumstance, life can feel exhausting and chaotic. Things are always changing (anicca), so can we meet those changes with a solid inner stance? Can we meet life with some modicum of equanimity?

How do we do this? Heather suggested we might practice being "undisturbable". How does this feel, to be undisturbable? A plate is the image she used to illustrate this state. Unlike the ping pong ball easily bounced about by the winds of change, the plate has a wide open base and is more difficult to throw off balance. It has an openness. For us this means if we are going to make like plates, (no running away like the dish with the spoon, eek I'm quoting nursery rhymes now!) we open up to what is. We accept circumstances and people and work from there. This acceptance helps us enter a state or perhaps is simultaneous with the state of equanimity.

And of course our meditation practice over the years helps us transform ourselves from ping pong balls into plates or perhaps we gradually get to spend more time, making like plates and less time pinging around. Our intention to be "undisturbable" becomes an important aspect of this transformation, and our willingness to chip away at habitual behaviour, our knee jerk reactions to life and all it brings to our doorsteps, is part of the firing process.

It is helpful for us to look at those times when we say "oh, no", to examine them. They are opportunities for us to look at what we are rejecting in this very moment, what we wish were different. "Oh, no" is like a little flashing light telling us, poof, we're about to become a ping pong ball.

So go forth my friends, and make yourselves into the most beautiful plate you can imagine. And something marvelous will happen. You will fill up with the treasures of life because a plate has room to hold it all.

Buddhist Pep Talks for January

Is it just me or is January a challenging month? After riding the updraft of the holiday season, visiting with family and friends, I always get a little melancholy in January. It's kind of classic, isn't it? There is the excitement of looking forward to the new year, writing about it in my journal and contemplating it and then it's here. And then comes the question what to do with it? The evenings are dark and quiet, the sweet treats have been put away in favour of a cleanse.

So I am thinking of what little Buddhist pep talk to give myself. So here are the things I have been reminding myself of: "Impermanence., I whisper, remember impermanence. It's the opposite of those little labels in the back of shirts that read "permanent press". While something may seem as solid as Arnold Schwarzenegger, they too shall pass. And observation moment to moment shows me the truth of this. I don't need to say to much else to little self on this subject, she seems to get this one.

Another thing I like to tell the little self is" self, you have a choice. You can spin a long strand of spidery thoughts or you can choose to see that cobweb as ethereal, spun silver, or you could just blow that cobweb away . You get to choose how you use your mind. Pop that tire out of the rut."

That melancholy that settles over me so snugly is simply the movement of the emotions. "Self, are you listening? You can be pulled down a long dark road by the chain of feelings or you can refuse to get on the bus. Just like at the department store of thought, you get to pick. Are you buying this one or not? " We are drawn to the arising of feelings, sometimes by a ferocious pull, perhaps from beyond this lifetime. Habit, karma? And yet one thing I remind the inward peeping little self, is that it can be a razor's edge, not pushing away what arises but not indulging it. We need to spend a little time on this tightrope to find our balance. "And did you throw out those rose tinted glasses, like I told you to?"

And so the feelings and thoughts about the time of year and how I feel come and go. I watch them like some personal little youtube video. There I am riding the horse. There I am falling off. There I am wishing I had a cup of coffee. And so it goes and it is really all just fine. I am grateful to be in the position to do this, to watch and learn and contemplate. And to keep company with my amazing companion, the Dharma.

Drama, The Energy Hog Of The Emotional Environment

We learn a lot from our children, from our parents, from anyone for that matter, if we are willing to be their student. When my mother used to tell me what other family members should be doing, I would remind her that we only get one life to live and that's our own. Today I got to remind myself of this. And when I said this to my self, I could feel the irritation and coldness behind those words. I could feel how she might have felt when I said this, slightly reprimanded. And while I could feel the emotion behind the words, I could feel their truth. Without the emotional charge, these words are simply a statement and a true one.

But I digress. Today my daughter offered me this lesson and with it I found an invitation to let go, to drop the story line. I had suggested that something she was considering doing might not be a good idea. And when she did it anyway I felt a deep pang of disappointment, followed by a cascade of other feelings, anger for one. And then a big story started to brew on the mind's horizon, a feature length drama kicked into full production; lights, action camera. I decided to close the movie set down pretty quickly as these things are simply too tiring, too boring and suck up far too much energy. Drama is definitely the energy hog of the emotional environment.

So instead I just breathed in the hot, stinging breath of disappointment and anger until it passed, until I realized it wasn't a big deal, that I didn't want to add a layer of tension to the relationship. In my heart I know that as a parent my intention is to be helpful and to approach any situation filled with the anger of "I know what's best for you" is never helpful. What I imagine to be helpful and what is helpful can be two different things so I need to be vigilant.

So my hope is to just be with her tomorrow when I see her and let my response come from deep inside me. And I realize that the best thing for me to do is simply to have faith; to have faith in her, in her wonderful intelligence and inner knowing and to have faith in life, that it brings us all what we need.

So a simple text message offered me the opportunity to let go, to not be attached to my version of the world and to know that even if it is my fierce, motherly wish, I can never protect anyone from their pain.

Blog Action Day - Climate Change of the Inner Sort

I like a good metaphor. And if given the choice between facts and figures and a metaphor, I'd pick the metaphor every time. I might even pick a bad metaphor, you can be the judge of that. Rev Danny Fisher's morning post alerted me that it was Blog Action Day and the topic up for massive global chewing was climate change. I knew I wanted to join the tribe but I also knew I'd go narcoleptic and hit the zzzzzzzz key if I had to get all scientific about climate change.

So what might I contribute to the conversation on climate change, I wondered? Because I'm a big believer that you change the world one mind at a time, that change starts at a personal level, I started to wonder about our internal climate and the changes we could make there. It is true that some people like Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr. affect huge numbers of people. But most of us, how are we likely to affect the climate of our planet? On a more personal scale, I suspect.

So what's your internal climate like? Is it filled with the heat of anger? Or do you feel the cold arctic winds of separation blowing all around you, keeping you from feeling connected to even those close to you? Perhaps the icy chill of judgement dusts you with a cool layer of frost ? And where does impatience register on the thermometer? Is it a close relative of anger, perhaps a few degrees cooler? Intolerance, hatred -- now those are the territory of wild fires scorching the internal and external landscape. The fallout is mostly devasting. Check the evening news. What's the climate there?

So while it's good to do our bit to turn lights off, drive less, consume less, buy local organic food; to shrink our ecological foot print, maybe it's good to do an internal audit as we go about our day. Sometimes the fallout on the environment comes not so much from what you do, but how you do it. If we shout at our kids to turn the lights off or insist that someone who is coughing on the bus should get off (this happened in Victoria) what climate have we contributed to? We may have contributed to climate change on some level, but is it what we were aiming for? Sometimes we forget that how we get somewhere is as important as where we get to. Have you met activists for good causes that were so strident that they turned you off, that they did a disservice to their cause? Did you empower someone today or make someone feel small? What were the ripple effects of some small action you took? Did it radiate warmth and caring that was passed on? Or when you cut someone off in traffic, did they go home and kick the cat?

So when we check the weather in the morning, maybe we don't need to turn on the weather channel or look out the window? Maybe we only need to look into our own heart to find the internal climate that we operate from. Now this is not to say we will always get it right. It's true Virginia, that floods and tornados happen, even in the inner landscape, maybe especially in that deep inner weather zone. News flash! We're human, kids, and we make lots of mistakes. But I believe it's about intention. It's about awareness. It's about working toward internal climate change that counts. So the good news is we are in control here, we can make a difference. We are omnipotent in the internal weather department.

So for me the internal climate change I'm working with these days is compassion. I'm working toward an internal warming trend. I'm thinking that the warmth of compassion will melt away those barriers and blocks and ice floes of the heart. Really we are all swimming in the same sea of tears. Compassion creates a climate where the needs of others become as important as our own.

And the cooling trend magically happens when we can see the suffering of someone that has caused our anger to rise. Maybe someone speaks rudely to you because you're not wearing your bike helmet. Later you find out that their son was killed in a bike accident while not wearing a helmet. Instantly your heart melts and you get it. Maybe you just get tired of feeling the heat of anger one day and resolve to move toward a cooler state.

So there it is, the challenge to change the inner climate. We can work on it everyday without leaving home, without buying anything, without saying a word to anyone. We can make this world a more temperate place by warming up the frosty bits and cooling down those hot spots. We can work toward a planet that does not blow itself up or self destruct from it's own rage and hatred and greed, one feeling at a time. No accords necessary, no signatures required, only an open heart and willing mind. May the winds of change blow warmly on you.

Paper Buddhas & Tennis Balls

Here's a paper Buddha. Somehow it called to me as I looked through iphoto this morning. You've heard of paper tigers? I feel a bit like a paper Buddha these days.

We have been scrambling to keep the house neat as a pin, refreshed with flowers, garden watered as the gazillion folks make their way through our house to see if they'd like to buy it. After having to be out of the house all day we return to feedback and requests for more showing times. We feel the need to take care of our tenant who lives downstairs and not subject her to too much stress and visits. This is life in a faster lane than I usually live it.

I get to see the inclination to run with stories the mind creates and how emotions easily take hold when I am tired and stressed. I see my Taurus nature to get a little "uppity" when negative information is directed at me.

It is a prime opportunity to hold my seat and just let it all wash over me like a play. I am watching a movie really, just seeing it all unfold and yet..... it is so easy to get caught up in this little scene or that, to cling to what seems good and true to me.

There I am bouncing back and forth between hope and fear like a little tennis ball. It is a tiring thing, living life as a neon green tennis ball. Sometimes I take time out and decide with mindfulness that I will spend some time on the side lines, just me in green furry-ness, sitting peacefully on the edge of the court.

So today I am reminding myself to hold my seat as offers are called for at noon and to not go with the stories, to just let things unfold. This is my aim for the day, to enjoy my adventure, the movie that is my life, to keep my wits and not be drawn down the river of great emotion, that swirls with muddy confusion. I wish the same for you as you go about your day.

Doing My Part

I am thinking about how we assign value to everything.  Was today a good day or a bad day?   We humans have the tendency  to carve things up and put them into little tear stained or pleasure smudged packages.  This became clearer to me today because in the morning a couple of things transpired that I might put into the mildly "not good" category.  I was aware of that and resisted the temptation to go down the bummed out avenue.  I was remembering faith and reminded myself that "everything is fine just the way it is".   I was remembering my teacher's comment that "the universe is not out to get us." 

In the afternoon several pleasant things transpired.  I was invited to show some art in the Art Gallery of Greater Victoria's Summer Works show and my copy of Tricycle with my "Forest Buddha" in it arrived.  If I were in the carving mode I would have felt vaguely depressed in the morning then happy in the afternoon, and tired from all the slicing and dicing.  

The ebb and flow of circumstances stood out today, how the pleasant and unpleasant just flow into one another, in no particular order, one event unrelated to the next, a nice email, a not so nice phone call, nothing personal, just a day unfolding.  No need to do a happy dance or a crappy dance.  Just the truth of impermanence making itself clear.  And there riding on it's coat tails was equanimity, just in time to keep me company on a peaceful walk along the ocean, one where I could just look at the brilliant  chartreuse green that only Spring leaves can wear.  I could see the sunlight reflecting on the cold water, the faces of the other walkers along the path.  I was not chewing on anything, no spiritual indigestion today.

How did I get there, to the little destination of equanimity?  Did I take a train, call a cab?  Partly it's a mystery because sometimes we can do the same work, the same practice and it eludes us.  Again I am reminded that we do our part, but the timing is not up to us.  What I was aware of today was choice.  I made the disciplined choice to not go down the path of feeling bad over this small thing, not to get in a snit when my mother's care home called to say she was in a snit and could I sort it out, not to feel sub-human when I went to pick up some expired work at a gallery and the work hanging there looked so much more professional than mine, clean and polished and sophisticated.  And then just as importantly I didn't wing off into elation when the "pleasurable" experiences arrived.  These choices left me with a steady, calm feeling.  Even my walk was interesting.  Instead of feeling tired from a long walk, I felt much the same when I arrived home.  As I walked I could feel how much less physical energy a state of equanimity used, how breathing and relaxing and just being, used much less energy than other modes of being.

So the teachings were waiting patiently for me to find them today, like a little spiritual treasure hunt.  I learned that my inner state does not have to be dependent on what is going on out there in the world, that it wears me out to be constantly lobbed back and forth by circumstance.  I learned I have a choice about how I regard what's going on and how I respond.  And for me it's not just how I respond outwardly but it has to do with the emotional spin I put on that incoming information.  I can decline the choice to feel inferior, depressed or over excited.  I learned that is what "doing my part" is all about.

Painting The Buddha

This Buddha is part of a large piece (30x40") which has 3 Buddhas in it and is probably the largest piece I've done.  The piece starts with squares of colour and pattern, an abstract painting really, and then the outline of three Buddhas rest on the background.  It took a long time to complete with lots of staring at it and reworking and leaving it rest for periods of time.  At one point the colour was completely different and the Buddhas were simple coloured silhouettes.  It was in fact a totally different painting.  But it wasn't quite right.  It was flat and tentative.  In the end I am happy with the piece.  It is alway a feeling rather than any sense of logic that dictates what it is good to do next and when a piece is actually done.   My work in the studio teaches me a lot about how to live the rest of my life.  I learn about patience and perseverance and riding out difficult emotions. 

It's a bit of a puzzle sometimes in deciding what to do with a piece, like the experiment of life.  I often know something doesn't work but can't quite figure out then and there how to make it work.  It can feel frustrating, accompanied by the sense that maybe this time I might just have to chuck it in the end.  But somehow, if I pay attention and keep going  it always seems to come out the other end.  I like some end results better than others, but mostly  things are reworked until I have that sense of completion and a sense that they are as they should be.  It makes for a long process sometimes.  There are days when I am on a roll and things go well and there are days when nothing seems to work, things get glued on upside down and all the paint needs to be wiped off and reworked the following day!  I have learned to just be with the days that don't work, for the most part.  There are days when things move so slowly that my feet seem stuck in molasses.  I have learned that I am mostly slow and meticulous and my process is long and windy for the most part.  

Today it was dark and rainy and I wasn't feeling very motivated.  There was an unidentified darkness hanging around.  I didn't like the look of what I was working on and really didn't want to get started.  But I finally did anyway.  I suspended judgement and just worked, quietly and attentively.  And surprisingly by the end of the painting day I was pleased with what had emerged.  It was so interesting to watch the resistance.  Lunch took a long time, then I looked at a magazine.  I knew I was working in an "uninspired" sort of space but still I persevered and as the Dharma would have it, this feeling, this state passed and I felt the strength and energy of not giving in to my old friends "sloth and torpor"  

There is so much Dharma in anything we do, in the process, how we work, how we approach our work, how we use our minds, and the emotions that rise and fall, like tiny gusts of wind or huge tropical storms of angst and pain.  Just energy passing through really.  But there we are liking the energy that feels "good" and labeling as "undesirable" the darker energy.  In the end if we can suspend judgement it is all just energy.  From my painting I learn to just stick with it and not judge.  I get to see how I never really know where I'm going or how things will turn out.  It is not necessarily dependent on my state of mind or feelings at the beginning of the task.  I may start out feeling a little low and have a great studio day and vice versa.  It reminds me that my job is just to do what has to be done,  and not trouble myself with the rest, with thinking about or anticipating the results.

I am reminded of my friends comment, that as she looks for a job and a place to live, she moves between hope and fear, back and forth.  But it doesn't really matter.  If we can manage to stay detached from these states and not believe the little stories that swirl in our hearts and minds then it is all okay.  If we can remember not to prefer hope over fear, we are truly enlightened.  That is our work really.  And as my teacher would say, it is all good.

I am not the Buddha

"I am not the Buddha."  I made that comment to my friend the Zen monk after telling her a little story about how I decided that I could only do family house guests for 4 or 5 days rather than a two week visit as requested.  The decision was made with a lot of care and consideration and contemplation.  I had to acknowledge my own limitations and my place on the path.  I knew the potential suffering that can come from hoping to act in ways, that are past where I am, if that makes any sense to you.  I sometimes wish I were more generous, compassionate, more tolerant, but there you have it.  While this does not stand against me making an effort to be these things, to aspire to higher ideals, I must be realistic of what I can pull off without getting myself in more trouble and ultimately creating more suffering and karma for all involved. It is a tricky business!  It is much more flattering to think I am kind, compassionate, generous and nice but truth is I am not always these things. Gasp!  ouch, the truth is a prickly customer sometimes!

I was reminded of the fact that "I am not a Buddha" today when I went to do my last little bit of business regarding the fender bender I was involved in the other day.  I had an appointment to see the government insurance company that determines liability.  As I readied myself to g to the appointment I could hear my self cherishing point of view that I was right....  Man, that is a hard one to let go of.  And during the interview I could hear that irritation rising in my voice as the agent questioned me in a confrontational manner.  In the end she decided I was not at fault.  I felt tired after the whole event and wished it had not stirred so much emotion in me.  I wished I could have been like the monk in the story who when wrongly accused of being the father of a young girls baby simply nods, saying "is that so?"  and accepts the baby to look after.  But alas here I am, little me, with all my stuff, attached to my opinions and point of view, easily roused from equanimity.

And while it is good to acknowledge the truth of where we are (how else can we change?)  I am learning  it is also important to cut ourselves a little slack, be kind to the vulnerable humans that we are.  It's okay to be where we are and it doesn't stand against the fact that as my teacher would say "we can do better."  I realized one thing I could do better here, was pay more attention.  I realized during the whole accident process I didn't pay enough attention to the details.  I wanted (attachment) it to be an amicable transaction so I was not as careful as I should have been.  My inclination toward "niceness" actually worked against me.  I needed to be a little more careful and vigilant.  

And always, everyday I find there is something for me to learn, something that helps me stretch further in the direction of wisdom and compassion.  So while it may not always be fun, it is always worthwhile.

This little mixed media is a contemporary take on a thanka with all the little Buddhas in their circles. It seems to go with the writing, the various sizes and colours of Buddhas speaking to our various places on the path.  

What Nourishes You?

When I thought about what to write this morning I thought about this painting and in turn it made me think about food.  This painting of rice bowls has a heavily textured background and the painting  (16x20) could be hung either way.  I was playing with what is up and what is down.  The chopsticks are painted Asian script paper that has been collaged on.  

It is easy to think about what nourishes us when we think about food.  We think healthy.... we think green veggies, fruit, grains, protein sources.  We are all acquainted with junk food, the fatty, salty or sweetly processed foods that call to us.  And we know how these things can make us feel.  Maybe sluggish and lethargic, maybe they give us a headache or an upset stomach, maybe they just make us feel generally crummy.  Or maybe after we eat a bagful or plateful it still tastes like more.  You know that feeling of being full but not satisfied??  But sometimes we eat these things anyway.  We don't think about it, we need comfort.....  In a way that's a completely different story, left for another day.

But there are other parts of this body/mind that are either nourished or not by what we put into ourselves.  What activities do we choose, who do we choose to spend our time with?  When we start to look at these things and pay attention we can find what nourishes us.  Last winter I spent a lot of time watching TV (gasp!).  I love the Food Network and Home and Garden channel but what I found after repeatedly gorging myself on them was this:  I would turn the TV on for one show and then just stay and before I knew it the evening was over.  There was a strange drug like quality for me. And I always felt crummy when I got up, kind of like a human slug, physically tired and disappointed in myself for spending yet another evening in front of the telly.  This was not a nourishing activity for me.  

When I go out for a coffee and find the music is so loud that I can't visit with the person I am with I feel on edge somehow.  I am not nourished by the space.  The coffee may be superb, the art on the wall fabulous, the people watching fun, but the whole package doesn't work for me.  The other day we had lunch in a wonderful local restaurant called "Cafe Ceylon" and while it was full and busy and noisy there was still a nourishing quality to it.  You could feel the food was prepared with love and care, the place was decorated in this simple clean style and everyone was having a good time.  I can say I have seldom felt more nourished in a restaurant. 

There are people too that fall into the nourishing category, people that support our spiritual life, people that inspire and uplift us and those folks for reasons unknown feel like kindred spirits.  And sometimes when we look at relationships we have had for a long time we can see we hang on to ones that are perhaps not nourishing, perhaps even destructive.   

It is important I think to look at what nourishes us.  We can tell almost immediately by looking inside and asking how we feel.  Does this give me energy or does it deplete me?  The body seldom lies while the mind is easily confused and often jumps in to second guess us.  We may still have obligations that we need to keep, people who don't nourish us that we need to see, activities that drain us and must be attended to.  But sometimes we keep the non nourishing because we don't think about it or think we have no options but to continue as we have always done. My mother falls into the non nourishing category for me.  (Does that seem unkind?)  I mention this as an example of how I work with the nourishing/ non-nourishing aspects of life.  I could pretend that this was not true or that I was above feeling this way (I have tried this and it doesn't work).  Not only does it not work it stands in the way of finding "wholesome" solutions to the problem.  To learning how to nourish and support myself.  First I acknowledge what is true for me and then I flail around for a long time trying to come up with solutions!  At one point I found that taking my computer over when I visited my mother so we could watch the Oprah and Eckhart Tolle webcasts was nourishing for us both.  I plan to record some of her thoughts about her family history.  It is important for me to see her but I also want to support a healthy emotion and mental environment for both of us. 

As we become more familiar with what nourishes us we will make more wholesome healthy choices, find creative ways to do what needs to be done.  This will nourish us in ways we might never of imagined and move us in the direction of our dreams and toward being the person we are really meant to be.  And when we are nourished and strong we can more easily nourish others.