Caution

Sigh, no fresh studio treats today, kids.    Just crusty leftovers, slightly blue, even (which I guess is fine for pictures and some cheeses).  If it were dinner I might call it tilt.   An old Winnipeger taught me the word.  You just tilt the fridge and whatever comes out, well that's dinner.   In this case we have studio tilt.  I was busy putting finishing touches on studio stuff; making tags, and generally trying to create order from chaos for a couple of upcoming shows.  Two birds, no stones.  

So we're looking at a somewhat focus challenged shot taken on the same ferry ride as the "Push" photo of a few days ago.  You can see the reflection of me in my dorky hat which I have succumbed to wearing for extended sun stays. There's a few things going on here that I like.  I am text obsessed and slightly reflection obsessed so it's more about obsession than photography.  And quite unintentionally the shot is out of focus.  But in the end I think that blurry , fogginess is just a perfect part of the statement.  We're talking illusions here, tricks of the mind.  What is real?  What's reflected back to us?  How often does our confusion or fogginess prevent us from seeing the truth?  Who knew a 45 minute ferry ride could offer so much Dharma?

I liked the "surface may be" text.  Seems very zen.  It hints at illusion, don't you think?  Surface may be.  We don't know for sure.  Surface may not be.  It begs the question what's real and what's not?  Is this world a dream?  Do we create our own reality?  It's pretty subjective when you get right down to it.  What we think, what we expect, what we believe all influence (or should I say create) our reality.  If you believe the someone can cast a spell on you and cause your death, this could be your reality.  If you expect you are going to have a bad day,  what happens to you?  Do you set up some kind of energetic domino effect?  How powerful are your thoughts?  How powerful are our emotions?  Do we draw similar energy to us?

I will end with a poetic quote from Dogen:      "To what shall I liken this world

Moonlight, reflected

  In Dewdrops

   Shaken From A Crane's Bill

In the Company Of Confusion

This little mixed media piece sold at my art sale last weekend but I've been thinking about it.  The text on it came from an old Shambhala Sun and as I cut out bits, I read some.  One thing that seemed to linger on was the comment that "until we are enlightened we are subject to a lot of confusion" (or delusion if you prefer that term), that confusion is a common human state.  

That resonated with me.  It's one of those things I like to think of as the good news and the bad news all rolled into one.  It's good news because it reminds me that I am not alone in my confusion because sometimes I'm so confused I think I'm the only one that's confused.  Sheesh, that's confusing!  Would someone please just hit me with the enlightenment stick.  And well the bad news is that confusion can feel pretty unsettling, like a little ball of chaos rumbling around inside you, maybe how you'd feel if you'd just eaten the spiritual version of a deep fried mars bar?  And I think the reason this comment on confusion resonates is I see it's truth in my daily life.

I see the truth of it because as impermanence would have it, the confusion finally just lifts and I get a little clearer .  Or at least I think I do.  I get to look back and say, ah I get it now.  Right now I can look back and say that several weeks ago I got carried away and planned more than is sensible for me.  I was driven by the desire to make things happen, so much so that I wasn't very clear.  I wanted this and I wanted that.  I wanted action and excitement and I was going to make those art sales happen!  So I buttoned up my  I-can-make this-happen coat and plunged head long into the wind storm of want.  I learned that desire and the belief that we are in control create a pretty foggy landscape, one that's easy to lose your way in.  And it offered me a little lesson.  And to my credit I was willing to stop at the fork in the road without having to get rear-ended or fall off a cliff.

So it's been an odd week.  A number of things have happened that do not necessarily please the little self and I find when they pile up one on top of the other very quickly, that's the best time to see the  unreality, the foolishness, the folly of the self.  And as my Zen teacher would say this chips away at the little self.  In fact I'm sure I saw a little piece of self flying off this morning as I sat.  That was the image that came to me, a little shard of self debris flew off into space.  I'm sure it's orbiting some distant planet by now.  But enough imaginary space games for now.

It was so interesting to watch ME TV this week and see the unrest and disappointment stirred by not getting what I want, by having my plans thwarted.  Ah desire, how sticky.  In my head I know it but ....  I could watch that bummed out feeling come and go, come and go.  Until finally it just went, gone today, carried off by time and perhaps the sunshine, perhaps the change in activity.  It's one of those mysteries really.  It didn't go away because I willed it to go away.  It went away on it's own time lines.  Again reminding me of the amazing fact that all I need to do is my part and let go of peeking around the corner checking for results.  We can't make "feelings" go away.  That doesn't mean we should wallow, of course.  It means sometimes we spend time in the company of feelings that are uncomfortable (think of them as a certain type of house guest).   We breathe and stay present and squirm some, feel where it resides in our body.  And this takes courage.  And I can't say I can do this well or consistently, but I am willing to try.  It's kind of like that old saying "we don't know when we're enlightened but we know when we're not."   So feelings of equanimity and groundedness have returned and I appreciate their company more than ever.  In fact I think I will set out a little vase of flowers and some towels and turn down the covers for them.  I hope they stay a while. 

Dharma Tidbits

Some people love shadow shots.  I love reflection shots.  Here's what happens when your photographer in residence snaps a photo of a collage that has glass in the frame.  Caught, like a deer (or should that be dear) in the headlights.

The Dharma tidbit on my mind today is about coming from a place of fear and lack.  It's something I mentioned in yesterdays blog and it's come up a couple of times for me recently.  That particular choice of words which I like, came courtesy of Bunny the Cat's owner.  At one point we  offered to keep Bunny when it looked like her owner's plans might not make it possible for her to reclaim Bunny.  Our reasons were that we knew Bunny would not like to move to yet another home.  Bunny's owner pointed out that we were feeling fearful for Bunny and this was perhaps not the best place to come from when decided Bunny's future.  We had  a wonderful Dharma cat-chat and after several weeks I realized she was absolutely right and that indeed it was good, for a variety of reasons for Bunny to leave us at the end of April as originally agreed upon.  I would trust Bunny to the universe.  Today Bunny's owner called to say that she will indeed be in a position to take her back.   So while I didn't know this would be the end result, I had decided to have faith and trust and not come from a place of fear. 

As I chatted with, let's call her Mrs. Bunny, we talked about what we were each up to.  She looking for a job and a place to live and as she put it moving between hope and fear.  This is from a person who spent the last 8 months in retreat at a Buddhist monastery.  And if we're honest and willing to look we can see  this is often what we do?    Our emotions and thoughts rise and fall, like little internal tides.  And if we can just watch them like a home movie and not get attached to them, not believe them, not take them for something that is real, then it's all okay.  Fear and hope.  They just pass through (is it Dogen who likens our thoughts to passing clouds?)  In Buddhism our mind is just another sense organ and our thoughts are the object.  Our nose smells, our mind thinks.  No problem, right?

I described our real estate experience to Mrs. Bunny and she recalled looking to buy property and remembered the experience as one based on fear and lack.  That was interesting to hear because I presumed we were getting the fear and lack treatment because of the current economic situation.  But  it seems that even in booming economic times, fear is used to motivate buyers too.  "You better make that choice quickly, it might be gone if you wait, the price might go up."  So I was doubly reminded how important it is to keep your centre, your ground, as fear and lack are often used as motivators in the sales industry, especially with large purchases where it can be difficult to get people to commit.   Powerful emotions are often manipulated to get us to take action.  

So what to do?  First we need to be aware of what is happening.  Then we need to know that the folks doing this are not  bad, in fact most often simply unconscious.  And then we need to be able to reorient ourselves, in a way that works for us so that we are not making our choices out of fear and lack.  We want to come from a place of faith and trust, with a strong intent to do what is helpful or good to do in the situation.  Sometimes we need to sit with it a while, so the dust of confusion can settle and the way become clear.  So let me get the feather duster out and when it's time to take off the goggles and the dust mask I'll let you know.

The Door Has Always Been Unlocked

Here's a collage from my "Life on the Line" series that I plan to offer in my Etsy shop as a print and  a wedding card this Spring (I'm safe because Spring is taking a long time getting here!)  I  did a similar one with 2 tuxes for some Gay friends that had a delightful wedding a couple of years ago.  This image has absolutely nothing to do with what I am going to write about today.  When I started my blogging in December I carefully chose art that went with the writing and commented on each piece.  But standards change!  You were strangers and guests back then.  Now there is no matching china when you come to dinner here!  Doesn't that make you feel like family?  Also news for today .... Dollhead (don't ya love those Etsy names ...  on Etsy we get to be who we want to be!  yes Virginia, it is true!) wrote a great piece on collage and featured one of my pieces, so check it out.

But I digress, before I even start!  sheesh some people are incorrigible wanderers!  Today I finally got around to doing something I've been jawing about for a while.  My mother who is 94 provided me with a koan (one of many).  For a long time I just thought of it as something to complain about, take personally, and feel angry about.  She often sits for long periods without talking, supplying one word answers to questions.  It can make visiting tiring and boring, to be very frank.  

Finally instead of feeling put upon I asked myself, "self, what can we do about this?"  And the answer materialized.  My niece had asked about family history, my daughter was interested in her Jewish roots.  I could record the story of my mother's life, the family history.  It might get her talking, perhaps get her to focus on happier moments, provide some background information for grandchildren and give us something to do that didn't include watching dustballs gather.

In an earlier post,  I mentioned that my mother recently said "come visit and I'll tell you the story of my life and why I'm so queer."  This reminded me that it was time to get on with the  recording project.  So this morning I fiddled around with "Garage Band" and figured out how to record onto  my laptop.  In the afternoon I went over, set up and asked my mother to start where she wanted to.  Turns out she doesn't know much about her mother or father's early life; dad left home early, mom was an orphan.  But she had a lot to say about her own early life, much of it I knew.

Her mother died when she was 3.  A step mother appeared on the scene when she was about 4 1/2 and life was not much fun.  Step mom was jealous of daughter, dad didn't want to get in trouble, so my mother felt unloved and abandoned.  She spoke about it in more detail than I recall hearing in the past.  She also added another dimension which I believe was born out of a heart to heart chat I had with her a while back (and wrote about in this blog).

She talked about her stepmother's jealousy of her, and how her father chose not to show her any affection in order to avoid fights with his wife.  He also told her she seemed like someone who could look after herself so she was on her own with the stepmother. We're getting the "no fun" picture now aren't we?  Now I always remember my mother complaining bitterly about her stepmother and her childhood.  If you had to assign a flavour to my mother, it would be bitter, perhaps with a sour note.  My dad he was the salty and sweet one.  And me, well I remember nipping into the cupboard for a swig of vinegar, as a child, so go figure.

Whoops, I had to follow the trail of breadcrumbs back to the topic!  In my recording mom talked about how her childhood experiences caused her to close herself off, "put a wall around myself," she said  "and feel unloved, abandoned and an outsider".  Last month I finally had the courage to tell my mother that my experience of her was that I felt she was always angry at me, always wanted me to make her happy and that she didn't really enjoy my company.  Of course she was surprised by this.  I think she did a little self reflection at this point because I could hear it today.  "As I got older I wondered how I got to be the way I am and I could see why, but what I never saw was the effect it had on other people.  I just didn't make that connection."

There seemed a lot of  Dharma in my mother's story.  Yes her childhood was not a picture of love and support.   But in truth this is not the problem.  It is through our confusion (one of the 3 poisons: greed, hate and delusion) we come to wrong conclusions about our circumstances.  My mother told herself the story of how sad her life was over and over.  When we do that we convince ourselves that we are solid, fixed entities.  My mother said "this is how I was, locked inside my wall.  I just couldn't change."  It is tough to bust out, it's scary and can seem impossible.  We often need help here, some wise guidance that tells us change is possible, don't give up on yourself, you can do it differently.  If we're lucky we are guided to the truth, to a coach, to a fan club, to the Dharma, perhaps.  It's true that it's not easy but we can bust out of that place where we feel locked in.  And that is true freedom.  If this were a Western, the sheriff would arrive jangling a big set of keys and open the door.   The secret is the door has always been unlocked.  We just never tried the latch.  We are busy cowering in the corner, telling ourselves stories, comforting ourselves with milk a cookies or perhaps whiskey and cigarettes.

So at 94 my mother has made some new discoveries about her life.  That's the good news and the bad news all rolled in to one.  There is hope for us yet and sometimes it takes a long while for us to look with clear eyes and see that we have been standing in our own way.