Well it was hardly a crisis situation but it was the unexpected and rather than land like a cat, I did the stunned bird slides down the window routine. And we won't go into what my true spirit looked like when it was revealed. I don't think I am quite up to that sight. If you'd seen it, you'd probably have called 911.
You've heard me call my mother my great teacher if you've stopped by here before and yesterday, class was in. We were doing our tango of pain. She doing a little manipulation, me feeling angry and trapped. (I thought we were done with that one!) Just when you think you're out of the woods, another tree falls on you. And yet, and yet .... I know this is what practice is about. Life does not exist to make me happy. And sometimes we are just not that skillful .... That was yesterday and today I have the misery hangover.
And if I didn't already feel bad and mad, my Zen teacher reminded me that I can do better, I can come up with some creative solutions to the problem. She reminds me how I walk right into these things and that my view of my mother is coloured by seeing her as a manipulator. And she reminds me that my aim is really to respond with compassion to my mother. She acknowledges that this is all difficult but that she knows I can do it and that's what training is all about. If I'm looking for sympathy (which I am, just a small slice, please, with a little ice cream) I won't find any here. Do you know the old joke about if you're looking for sympathy (one of my personal favourites and a bit too rude to repeat here) you'll find it in the dictionary between 2 words that begin with S. I'll give you a hint, one is a venereal disease and the other is the impolite term for excrement.
So I'm feeling kinda low. It's March, it's snowing and the pace of my day has felt like I'm walking in molasses. But as I feel sorry for myself I am jolted awake as I read a piece on the situation in Tibet over at Chaplain Danny's blog and I think to myself, man what are you complaining about? It snaps me into a new reality. As Humphrey Bogart said in Casablanca "my problems don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world..." And I lighten up a little, not a lot, but a little. There's a full moon hanging around outside the bedroom window right now, ginger tea and cookies are on the way and life is pretty good by any standards. We'll try the kiki thing again tomorrow.
bows to you all and good night.