Another Zen Dance Lesson, Ouch My Toes Hurt!

"The Japanese word for crisis, kiki, translates two ways: as "danger occasion," but also "danger oppor-tunity."  Look for the opportunity in the chance occurrence.  How you react to the unexpected reveals your true spirit.  In this dojo, learn to fall like a cat -- on your feet."  Philip Toshio Sudo, "Zen Guitar"

Well it was hardly a crisis situation but it was the unexpected and rather than land like a cat, I did the stunned bird slides down the window routine.  And we won't go into what my true spirit looked like when it was revealed.  I don't think I am quite up to that sight.  If you'd seen it, you'd probably have called 911.

You've heard me call my mother my great teacher if you've stopped by here before and yesterday, class was in.  We were doing our tango of pain.  She doing a little manipulation, me feeling angry and trapped.  (I thought we were done with that one!)  Just when you think you're out of the woods, another tree falls on you.  And yet, and yet .... I know this is what practice is about.  Life does not exist to make me happy.  And sometimes we are just not that skillful ....  That was yesterday and today I have the misery hangover.

 And if I didn't already feel bad and mad, my Zen teacher reminded me that I can do better, I can come up with some creative solutions to the problem.  She reminds me how I walk right into these things and that my view of my mother is coloured by seeing her as a manipulator.  And she reminds me that my aim is really to respond with compassion to my mother.  She acknowledges that this is all difficult but that she knows I can do it and that's what training is all about.  If I'm looking for sympathy (which I am, just a small slice, please, with a little ice cream) I won't find any here.  Do you know the old joke  about if you're looking for sympathy (one of my personal favourites and a bit too rude to repeat here) you'll find it in the dictionary between 2 words that begin with S.  I'll give you a hint, one is a venereal disease and the other is the impolite term for excrement.

So I'm feeling kinda low.  It's March, it's snowing and the pace of my day has felt like I'm walking in molasses.  But as I feel sorry for myself I am jolted awake as I read a piece on the  situation in Tibet over at Chaplain Danny's blog and I think to myself, man what are you complaining about?  It snaps me into a new reality.  As Humphrey Bogart said in Casablanca "my problems don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world..."  And I lighten up a little, not a lot, but a little.  There's a full moon hanging around outside the bedroom window right now, ginger tea and cookies are on the way and life is pretty good by any standards. We'll try the kiki thing again tomorrow.

bows to you all and good night.

Blind Spots

I was thinking about "blind spots" this morning as I was sitting.  We all have them, those things that we do that we just don't see.  Often everyone else sees them but us.  You see mine, I see yours, but we don't see our own.  It's a term that makes me think of driving (and perhaps that's where it comes from?).  You know that spot where you can't see, just over your shoulder, where the rear view mirror doesn't show you what's there.  It's the spot where you need to turn and look, the spot that can easily result in an accident if we fail to check it.  A lot like life really.

And the interesting thing about blind spots, is that by their very definition we don't see them.... those aspects of our behaviour that cause us trouble over and over until one day we go .... ohmygawd! and some little (or not so little) shadow pops into focus.  One of the really funny ones for me, was that I always lamented about how negative my mother was.  Then at some point I realized I was being negative about my mother's negativity!  sheesh we can be twisted little creatures!

So they are out there in that spot, just behind us, slightly out of view, just waiting .... waiting either to work their mischief or come in to view.  Our work is to keep looking at our actions with honesty and contemplating and examining what we do .... that is our practice and in time we chip away at our blind spots.  We get to know ourselves and see the oddities and humour in what we get up to sometimes.  And as my teacher would say "it's not on our terms or our time lines."  The realization happens when it happens.  We can't force it, legislate it or make it happen.  We can only do the work until the tipping point is reached and the blind spot spills over into our awareness and we see the little puddle on the floor.

This little mixed media Jizo called "Lighting the Way" kind of works with "Blind Spots".  There he stands looking forward, lantern in front, shadows behind.