What's Your Story?

"What's your story?" the emergency room doctor asked me. "Everyone has a story," I replied. He nodded and chuckled. My story consisted of a tale of being rear-ended and having some sore parts. (Isn't there a Rudyard Kipling story where a leopard says his spots ache? That was me on Sunday. Having freckles, I have the spots to ache.)

So there you are one moment driving along home with your weekend booty of grocery and art supplies and the woman behind you bends down to scratch her knee and boom, you get a whack on the back of the head. Dharma lesson on changeability. We never know what will happen or when.

I had a whiplash injury many years ago so the first thought was, (after what just happened?) I hope I don't have whiplash. And I could see the propensity to go with this oh, no, fear based dark little drama. And I'll admit to dipping my finger into this dark, enticing little sauce for a taste.

But I remembered something the Dalai Lama said in a piece I read recently. He commented that westerners get so elated when outer experiences are going well and so depressed when things are going badly. And as I looked at what had just happened I decided to try a little experiment. I resolved to navigate this without throwing myself into the deep end of the gloomy swimming hole. How about a little even keel? I asked myself. How about just doing the next thing that needs to be done? No story about how this might turn out and oh no, not my poor body again. How about ditching those habitual gloomy thoughts that stick to me like little prickly burrs in the grass. A little asking for help, a little prayer and an inclination to think everything might just be okay.

So we placed the accident report, found that the local hospital functions as the walk-in clinic and took care of business. I reminded myself not to succumb to my deep seated fear and dislike of hospitals. That's a big one for me. There is a physical and mental positioning that one creates based on fear, expectations and past behaviour. I did not put on that tight fitting black cloak for my walk through the hospital door. I am just doing what needs to be done, I reminded myself. No big deal.

And so here I am a couple of days later, feeling better and on the mend. We got to see the local hospital, meet a local doc and see that it is possible to navigate the unpleasant without adding on a whole lot of extra stuff. So there it is life unfolding and the Dharma showing the way.

Capturing Accidents & Making Mistakes

This painting is from a series called "Zen Squared" which is based on the good ol' Zen circle or enso.  So if a Zen circle represents emptiness what does a Zen square represent?  And this is squared so that means, well whatever it means to those of you who are more mathematically inclined than I.  Me, I'm more interested in words, than numbers.  This paintings seemed the perfect vehicle for some slogans, some inspirational words.  Quotes and  little inspirational quips rank as one of my favourite things, perhaps up there with chocolate and cheesecake.

This one "Capture Accidents, Make Mistakes" is based on Bruce Mau's (a Canadian Designer with an international reputation) Manifesto For Creativity.  Over the years I think there have been a lot of quotes regarding the value of mistakes: things like, "if you don't make mistakes you're not really trying."  

I love the sentiment of capturing accidents.  Somehow in my mind I see a little mistake wandering by and a guy with a big butterfly net catching it, gotcha!  There is something very wonderful and very Zen about capturing an accident, the two words seeming at odds, yet mingled together they create something new and surprising and wonderful, the unexpected.  To "capture" seems so full of intention, while that "accident" just happened kind of by surprise.  It takes awareness to see the value in an accident and then intention to capture.  And finding an accident worth capturing, now there's a Zen moment!  Get ready to pounce, kitty!  Awareness, intention and action all need to come together for us to transform the haphazard into something helpful, or something of beauty or whatever the end result may be.

Make mistakes.  Well how can we help it?  But it seems like we find mistakes shameful or distasteful.  We spend a lot of time avoiding them or pushing them away (it's own kind of attachment).  But in fact it is full of the Dharma, to make mistakes.  Often when we decide to take some action, it is really an experiment in our little life laboratory.  We don't know if whatever plan of action we choose is going to work or splat us in the eye with something that smells bad or stings.  It takes courage to make mistakes when you think about it, to willingly put yourself in the position where you know you have a 50/50 chance of being wrong (or worse odds).  

And, it's humbling to actually publicly admit we've made a mistake.  Mistakes are great teachers.  They teach us how to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and start all over again (as the slightly sappy musical line goes).  And what can be more valuable than learning how to correct our course, move from where we are, and work with what we've got.  What's that other old quote, "life is not about getting what you like, but liking what you get." Okay if I'm throwing out quotes like darts in a carnival game, here's one I found the other day that I loved at first site,  "Act the way you'd like to be, and soon you'll be the way you act."  - Leonard Cohen

I love quotes that inspire me, make me think or act in some way that pulls me past my normal, habitual way of being, that as Cohen says "make me act they way I'd like to be".  And for that I love to read a little Dharma everyday, mostly from the collection of favourite books I have around the house or some new one I have discovered.  Maybe that's tomorrows blog, my favourite Buddhist books.  I have a few!  

So I think we are all experiencing the old Chinese curse, "May you live in interesting times."  Are there favourite quotes or quips out there.  C'mon, I know you've got favourites, play nice and share!

The Dharma and Promises

The quote on this mixed media piece says "When tea is made with water drawn for the depth of mind we really have what is called tea ceremony."  What a wonderful way to describe mindfulness.  And I am glad  I painted this teapot as after having it for about 25 years I dropped it on the floor one day and it broke in pieces.  So the teapot lives on hanging on the kitchen wall by the sink.  But I don't really want to talk about teapots or kitchen accidents.  But mindfulness enters into the story I am about to tell.

Right now I am thinking about an email I have to write, an email I needed to sit with and think about.  Firing off a reply can be so tempting and easy.  It may feel good to get something off our proverbial chests especially if we feel an emotion like anger or have a strong opinion to share, but it is often also a mistake.  So I have learned to wait where my previous self would have leaped into a vat of hot boiling karma.

About 8 months ago we took a cat into our home as a long term cat sit for a young woman who was going off to do a retreat in a monastery.  I was looking for a kitten at the time but thought, you know, I could do someone a favour, someone having trouble finding a place for an 8 yr old kitty to stay, and I could help someone pursue the Dharma and then get my kitten later.  Seemed reasonable to me.  So Bunny the loaner cat came to live with us.  

I was very clear with Bunny's owner that I did not want to find myself left with this 8 yr old cat, that this was temporary.  The lovely young owner of Bunny seemed to understand this and seemed to me like a keeper of promises.  Can you see where this is going?  Bunny was to be retrieved in 6 months.  This was later lengthened to 9 months.  I have now received an email that asks if I have fallen sufficiently in love with Bunny to keep her.  Failing that, my young friend has offered to find a new home for her from afar.  Her plans have changed and she has decided to pursue studies in another city.

So I am left in an interesting position.  In truth I have not fallen in love with Bunny.  At 8 years old she has some habits that don't endear her to me.  She has some charming habits too, but well, I liked the original plan, that I would do my favour and the cat would return to former owner.  It has been interesting for me  to examine this in terms of the Dharma.  Somehow I was under the assumption that I was protected from ending up where I am now by being clear and direct about my wants and needs.  But I forgot that we are always standing on the edge of the unknown.  I don't think my young friend intended this either.  I had expectations about how the situation would play out and now I can see that things don't always turn out as expected.  As we learn from studying the Dharma, we are not in control.  

I recently found myself in a situation described in an earlier blog post (Accidental Dharma) that while vastly different, had the same distinct flavour as the cat incident.  (Dissappointingly to the cat, tuna was not the flavour.) The driver of a car who gave me a little bang in the door initially declared fault, but later changed her mind.  The seeming similarity  in these two situations was that I thought things would unfold as originally agreed upon.  If the driver said she was at fault in the morning, I expected she would see it the same way in the afternoon.  If Bunny's owner assured me that I would not be left permanently with her cat I expected that would be the final outcome of my extended cat sit. I was left scratching my head in both situations.  

How did I end up here, what did I do wrong?  And if I calculated my conclusion in one way, the old way, I could feel bitter and twisted and say, "you just can't trust people."  But that would be wrong view, wrong understanding in Buddhism.  The truth is things change (the law of impermanence) and we can not protect ourselves from this by being clear or direct.  It is important to be clear and direct but it has been an interesting lesson for me that clarity and directness are not any form of protection.  We swim in a sea of change and need to be prepared to go with the flow.  

In both those situations my immediate emotional reaction (which I believe is a karmic pattern) is to feel betrayed.  It makes me angry and sad and it wasn't until I sat with this one for a while that I could see the truth of it.  Make your choices carefully but be prepared for outcomes other than what you expect.  You always have more choices than you think, my Zen teacher likes to reminds me.

So we have decided that even though Bunny is a biter and furniture scratcher these are not good enough reasons to evict her from our home.  She hates change of any sort (a self respecting cat quality I think) and we feel some obligation to this vulnerable little fur friend.  So that is the story of Bunny the cat and I will answer that email that has been sitting gathering dust in the inbox.  And I have learned a valuable lesson and I'm sure Bunny has a few more to teach me.