Tuesday, October 30, 2012

The Chicken of Thought, The Egg of Feeling

Road Through The Mountains 24"x24"
Yesterday when I was working on this piece pictured above I noticed a tightening in my body, a sense of nervousness. "What's this?" I thought? And then it struck me that this was my body responding to subtle background thought "I'm  afraid of making a mistake." The sensation and thought  were sewed tightly together, in the same way you might wonder what comes first, the chicken or the egg.

This time instead of being captured by this familiar lurker,  I caught him red handed and had a little laugh, which made him slink away. "Now what am I afraid of, this is my painting. That's a crazy thought. How could I make a mistake? And if I don't like the next mark, I can paint over it or wipe it off." But I can't tell you how many times I've been captured and thrown in the trunk by this thought.  And sometimes when we look we'll see a seminal thought like this one, that has run like a long thread across the days of our lives, tying us up in little knots along the way. On how many occasions have I frozen for fear of making a mistake of some sort?  See how therapeutic painting can be!

I am getting more comfortable in my exploration of abstraction. Maybe it's partly because I'm finding materials that seem to lend themselves more to what I want to translate onto the page or .... maybe I've just worn down the part of me that cares so much by painting some pretty awful stuff!

I made my own cold wax using an organic orange cleaner called Orange a-Peel. I cut up chunks of beeswax and dropped them into a jar of orange stuff the same way you would make regular cold wax. It melts into this luscious creamy goo. I must warn you this mixture is stinky, in an orange solvent sort of way but more tolerable to me than the chemical or turp based solvent ones. I bought some white oil paint that is water soluble and odourless (doesn't necessarily mean it's non toxic though)  to go with the earth pigments I ordered. I am also using ash from the wood stove and some powdered milk paint.  So I am the studio witch of the north, mixing up strange things to rub and brush onto my canvas. Haven't resorted to eye of newt yet (it's not vegetarian).

Route 42


I have discovered I like things that look like rock and old cement floors, these natural and neutral palettes with organic and intricate patterns and textures. Go figure, but there you have it.  I started looking around for what really interested me as a basis for my abstraction and that was it. I have no idea where I'm going but I feel some sense of going somewhere, if that makes any sense. For a long time it was just pure frustration, but that landscape of ennui seems to have faded in the rearview mirror (at least for now). I went to a great artist's talk last night by Jason Pollen and he said the difference between art and craft is that with a craft you know where you are going (I'm building this bird house, I'm making this quilt) but with art the final destination is unknown. And you know how that makes us feel a lot of time. We like to tie all those loose ends up and feel in control. Yes I know where I'm going, it's that little town about 100 miles away and I have a hotel reservation there tonight. Standing on the edge of the unknown is one of those valuable principles of the Dharma.

And I am lucky I still have most of my hair (this has nothing to do with orange solvent or ash from the fire). I just finished building a Wordpress website and was reminded what a low tolerance level I have for frustration.  Ah, more good Dharma practice. Be civil and kind to that online support guy who is giving you advice that requires a Martian translator and tells you to read the instructions again, more carefully, this time because it's all there.  But in the end I have a place to house a good sampling of my images. And it feels good to have wrestled with wordpress and won. Go have a peek here if you feel inclined.

That's about it at this end of the world. It feels like it's getting ready to rain for 40 days and 40 nights. And this has nothing to do with the American election, I'm pretty sure. What are you wrestling with these days, or smiling at?



24 comments:

  1. I have an attraction to worn and pitted surfaces too. I like Jason's description of art & craft, the not knowing can either be daunting or thrilling depending on your perspective! I took a peek at your .com - looks good, I'm gearing up for one myself! x

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    1. I point myself in the direction of seeing it as "thrilling" but find I cannot make it happen. I can only suggest to myself and reorient myself in this direction and then gradually and without notice this type of feeling manifests on its own timelines.

      Those wabi sabi surfaces are intriguing, aren't they?

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  2. Carole, your abstract paintings have such a unique quality that's hard to describe - "haunted" is a word that arises - as you mentioned on mine as well - as we each explore uncharted territory. They also look like maps to me - a sense of searching, charting your own way, taking many roads. Being comfortable with not knowing. But that's my projection as well. :) Interesting you labeled them as roads! :)

    And mixing your own paints! Wow - now that's dedication! And adds another unique quality to them as well.

    I am familiar with the same "lurker" in the mind, as you know :) especially with painting. It seems to have brought up a lot of anxiety over similar issues that you mention. But, I also see how painting allows these hidden places to become more clear - more accessible. Such interesting personal explorations into the realm of the unknown!

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    1. I agree these feel like maps. It's funny alot of my abstracts have this mappy or earth seen from outer space kind of feel to me. You have put into words what has been hovering as a theme in the background. Thanks for that!

      Yes art is the forum, that if we are willing to see, all our stuff comes up. Perhaps it is the quietness, the solitariness of the practice. I have tried to paint with a group. It just doesn't work for me.

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  3. "Now what am I afraid of, this is my painting. That's a crazy thought. How could I make a mistake? And if I don't like the next mark, I can paint over it or wipe it off."

    Hmm, could this be applied to our lives as well? We have to remember to be mindful lest fear creeps in.

    Dan @ ZenPresence

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    1. Nice extension, of course! I love this. I do find this reflective quality in working creatively.

      I think that fear is one of those inevitable human states but we get to work with it if we are willing to face its presence in a mindful way and just be with it, kind of like the monster under the bed in a nightmare.

      And I like that I can paint over in my life. I'm not so sure I can wipe off where I have hurt someone or acted unskillfully. But I can always take the next step.

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  4. Enjoyed the read,Carole....Especially what i liked (yr paintings aside, which are great)was that expression of what is art and what is craft. i have two "artist" friends...their definition...but what they do, i felt, was "craft"...One works with clay, one works with glass...they are both also "fine artists" but i do not see any "art" in what they accomplish. One of them knows it...i told her...she replied that "these commissions are not what i really want to do"...but that is all she does. It is "good" stuff...but it is not "great art". Of course, "it" doesn't have to be. But it is "art", essentially... that embrace of the unknown...that adventure, in which i am most interested. Like i sit zazen, not trying to reach any state of relaxation or bliss... Not knowing how long i am going to sit even....

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    1. You know I went to Jason's art talk on a whim, not knowing him or his work, just feeling drawn to go. Turns out not only is he bursting with wonderful stories, he is probably a Buddhist (never called himself that) but does retreats and has worked on Tibet issues. I was inspired on so many levels but like you this definition of art seemed to clarify.

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  5. Spooky. I love the fissured, failing feeling.

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    1. thanks, red-handed! it's a strange mystery what appeals to us on an inner level, don't you think?

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  6. Ooo . . I love these paintings. So nuanced and subtle . . with such depth.
    And your discovery of fear being present . . "ah . . there you are!" . . noticing and naming with lightness. A wonderful reminder for me. Thank you, Carole.

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    1. Thanks, Jann. that's it, isn't it, to notice without getting all heavy about it!

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  7. Your concoctions sound like great stuff to work with. We have a big pile of wet ash outside from the annual bon fire. I keep looking that direction and thinking "now how can I use that?"

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  8. Yes, that ash rubs nicely into textured surfaces or probably could be painted with and then protected with a spray. Seems like a good winter medium! I have a nice non toxic spray made with a casein base. I can find the name if you're interested.

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  9. I'm smiling at the odd coincidence that just before reading this I was reading an article on the use of orange oil as a solvent. Apparently it's also a bug repellent and even has anticancer properties. I'm also smiling at you catching Mr. Slinkaway red handed. Nice when that happens. And nice wordpress site! I smiled yet again when I saw Moonlighting Monks. :)

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    1. David, you snuck in and I missed you somehow! It's interesting how those coincidences happen! I have used this for tougher cleaning for years and then it appeared at an image transfer workshop I too once and now this cold wax goo.

      I was thinking about the bug repelling quality of the orange cleaner as I am painting in the basement these days! And health benefits too, to boot! Wow

      Thanks for the kind words!

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  10. This new painting is gorgeous, Carole... I love the subtle nuances of color and textures. And very much enjoyed hearing about you mixing and color adventures! I'm working a lot on some mixed media pieces these days and hope to share more about soon. I'm in the process of closing my small jewelry business which I've been doing for many years now in one incarnation or other. It's been a humbling process. And for all the initial anxiety-from making the choice, to carrying things out--it's turning out to be a great decision. And is meaning more time opening up to be painting in the studio--BIG plus! ;o)

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    1. thanks, Tracy. yes, change, the way the world works and yet we resist it so. for one reason or another. glad to hear you made a choice and that it's turning out well. I often err on the side of not getting around to things and choices are made by themselves in the background. Great to be proactive and glad to hear it's feeding what you love to do.

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  11. carole, what i'm smiling at right now are your words... : )

    i sure do love this painting... it feels very rich and deep to me. and brave. yeah, truly, it feels brave.

    i'm gonna have to give the non-toxic cold wax a go. it seems so luscious, so tempting.

    xoxo

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    1. thanks Lynne and your smile is warming this wet, dark evening! it is a luscious concoction!

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  12. I love muddy looking surfaces.. cement-like and earthy... and I love minimal and your piece is wonderful. Your mixtures seem intriguing.. I am sure you feel like a wizard sometimes with your mixtures :)

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    1. yeah, I think of you are a neutral and nature lover in your art. I think that is part of what draws me to your work, I think, this calming, earthy palette.

      It's kinda fun to put on the mad scientist hat sometimes!

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  13. Love your work, Carole. The colours and texture feel steady. In balance. Free. Wonderful!

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  14. thanks, Carole. looking forward to hearing about your workshop with Steve Aimone. Hope you will post about it! coming to visit right now!

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