Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Riding An Unruly Horse


Here's a picture of the future studio. At this point in time it seems far into the future. I have been playing host to fatigue from cleaning and packing and riding the emotional horse of doubt and angst as we get ready to move tomorrow. I am holding on for the ride, watching the changing terrain as I fly over each boulder and tree root of my imaginings. Sometimes I am sliding down one side or the other of this unruly horse. I have lost my hat and decorum long ago. I am definitely getting a work out. And it is the perfect opportunity to experience impermanence at the gut level. A little phrase has stuck in my head from a blog I came across yesterday called Appropriate Response. "This is what it feels like to be human." So I have been feeling this raw, humanness or as Ezra Bayda calls it "the uncomfortable quiver of being".

It is so interesting to watch the machinations of the mind, throwing up all kinds of worries and fears, expectations not met, schedules not kept. And it reminds me that when we tie our hopes and dreams to external things we are bound for disappointment. I need to learn this over and over. These are the things I am working with as I prepare for the moving truck to arrive tomorrow. The mind loves to weave a big story that this is the culmination of a year's adventure of moving and traveling and relocating. It likes to make a big, scary 3D movie. It is a master at making "what is" into more than that.

I watch my inclination to want to retreat, maybe roll up into a little pill bug on the couch, to hide from all this. Overwhelm threatens to take the upper hand and then I remember to just do the next thing that needs to be done. Wrap that glass, clean the stove burners. And so the day unfolds.

I realize I will miss this beautiful landing spot on the island with its amazing ocean and island views, its bountiful garden just outside the door. It has been a good friend to us. I need to remember to feel gratitude, instead of just a sense of loss. The two can coexist in the same breath.

And our new home is ready and waiting for us. A Tibetan teacher we know came and performed a purification ceremony on Saturday. The sun came out from behind the clouds and graced us with unseasonably warm temperatures. He chanted from a Tibetan text, walk each room and the perimeter of the house with incense and finally we hung some prayer flags that had come from Tibet and had been blessed at the Green Tara Sand Mandala Ceremony held on the island in July. Yesterday friends came from the big island and helped us move some things and walk our new property with us.

Last night there was a torrential downpour, complete with power outage. Today the sky was blue, the sun warm and our parting sunset over the ocean and hills magnificent. Such is life as a human.

10 comments:

  1. I sure know about riding the horse...you described so beautifully. Your house and studio are nestled in among some good looking trees...are you still on an island? Taking each day, or each moment is a lovely task...good tidings on your actual move in!

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  2. "This is what it feels like to be human." So I have been feeling this raw, humanness or as Ezra Bayda calls it "the uncomfortable quiver of being". Me too. Thanks for naming it so beautifully!
    Like Mary Ann, I wonder, are you still on the island? Your future studio looks intriguing!

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  3. Yes we are still on Salt Spring. And the building in the background is a barn! The future studio is an old workshop. The movers are here as I write this and the sun is shining!

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  4. "And it reminds me that when we tie our hopes and dreams to external things we are bound for disappointment." I need to learn this over and over too. Thanks:)
    Blessings,
    Patricia

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  5. Just doing what is being asked for and nothing added. What great practice! Safe travels for you and all your precious ones.

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  6. oh, the horse! the unruly horse! trotting along so sensibly and then bam! over the cliff it goes! it really is something, isn't it? yesterday we got a letter from the IRS saying we owed an additional $800 on our '08 tax return. the horse charged off, ha!

    i think that maybe the most amazing thing to me is that after all these years of riding this horse i STILL expect it to behave - to be under my control. what can one do except laugh at this? : )

    smiles to you...

    lynne

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  7. "This body will take some getting used to."

    - Klatu, "The Day The Earth Stood Still"

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  8. I love the setting for your new abode, nestled in the trees, as if "protected" from worry, doubt and fear... :)

    Love this post as well - feeling the resonance blowing through those pines - also learning to dance with co-existent emotions here...

    The reference to "Appropriate Response" is incredible - good timing here too.

    May you have many years of peace and creativity in your new space... Warmly - Christine

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  9. the bitter and the sweet/ the glorious and the wretched...how lovely that the image you can carry forth is:
    Today the sky was blue, the sun warm and our parting sunset over the ocean and hills magnificent.

    How wonderful to have a 'future studio' to visualize...cheering you on in the land of impermanence.

    welcome home

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  10. "I need to remember to feel gratitude, instead of just a sense of loss. The two can coexist in the same breath."

    yes, yes....all can be held together...in the wholeness of your being...of all being.

    gentle steps

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