Self Confidence And No Self?

I am taking an energy healing course and there is a meditation on the heart centre which lists the attributes of the heart: compassion, harmony, healing presence and unconditional love. The meditation feels a lot like metta or loving kindness practice. It feels nourishing, like filling up a well. I feel a bit like a sponge soaking up the feelings of compassion, harmony, healing and love. It feels like when the sponge is full, I can squeeze it and a wonderful warm liquid will trickle out like golden drops of elixir into the world.

Over at Peter's monkey mind today, he asks the question, why do we continue to tell ourselves stories that are unhelpful and unkind, stories that perhaps have been told to us or we have come to believe on our own.

In the west it seems our habit is to find ourselves lacking; never quite measuring up. It is the rare bird that appreciates their strengths and exudes a healthy self confidence (as opposed to a puffed up ego based confidence). When the Dalai Lama was once asked about how to deal with feelings of self loathing, he required a lengthy explanation of what that was. When he finally understood what was meant, he emphatically said something like, "No, this is wrong," quite forcefully. Such feelings apparently don't exist in Tibetan culture.

There are many teachers that remind us of how important a healthy self confidence is (Tarthang Tulku, Dzigar Kongtrul Rinpoche). But I hear you wondering out loud about this, "so if there is no self, (which is one of the tenets of Buddhism) what's this about becoming self confident? So in my understanding of the examination of self, it is not that "self" doesn't exist at all, but that it is not fixed and is always moving and changing, and so doesn't exist in any inherent or fixed way. And on the way to our personal discovery of this ethereal, flimsy, hole filled self, we need to have confidence in the little self, the every day person. We need to nourish this being that navigates the world, to give our being the courage and enthusiasm for this life and our practice, so that we can wake up and contribute to this world in helpful and meaningful ways.

Our job is to wake up and use our gifts fully because no one has the gifts you have and can offer to the world in your unique and interesting way. This is self confidence, the ability to see clearly, to keep on keeping on, and to have faith in our lives and those around us. We are here to join hands in this human journey and pull each other up when we need pulling and offer a hand to dance sometimes.

So, it is Spring, a time of new beginnings, a good time to nourish the seeds of new habits. This unruly mind needs weeding and then the planting of wholesome crops. So why not look inside and discover the riches there. Begin each day by telling yourself about them. Encourage yourself, offer uplifting words to yourself and you may find the well filling up and spilling out in to the world in ways that cultivate growth and nourish in weird and wonderful manners. And please, don't forget to put me on your dance card.

Pointing Toward Harmony

I love setting up house, it's kind of like creating a collage. You work with colour and texture and form, moving pieces around until they work together in some harmonious way. You work with couches and chairs and tables and Buddhas and bowls instead of paint and paper and canvas.

I don't even mind unpacking boxes. It's the preparatory work, like cutting the bits of paper or painting the ground. It doesn't seem like work to me, it's energizing, creating this sense of home; a place for spirit to live. And so that's what this week has held. A week of settling in, enjoying some sunshine, helping the Buddhas find their proper homes, finding the right wall for each painting.

And then there was the joy of hanging clothes outside on the clothes line attached to a giant fir tree. I swear clothes get brighter and cleaner just from hanging out in this lovely clean air (this is a paid advert brought to you by a bit of rope and some sunshine). And there was the sheer delight of digging in the dirt and planting lettuce and radishes, some parsley and spinach and radicchio and taking the kilometer walk down the gravel road to the mailbox. I can feel my spirit breathe a sigh as it settles into this sheltered, rural spot with forest on one side, orchard trees and straw covered garden beds on another, and a stretch of panoramic ocean view in front. It recognizes home.

And where is the Dharma in all of this? I think it is about the many steps it can take to get closer to some goal that's in your heart. I can look back and see the many mundane steps it took to get here, the painting and cleaning and the ups and downs of house selling and packing. But mostly it's about honouring the call of the heart, doing what may not always seem logical or safe but doing it anyway. And somehow as you take the mundane, daily steps, you move closer to the heart's calling. Sometimes it's clear what the next step is and some days clouds cover the horizon. Some days you need to adjust your course around fallen trees and downed power lines and sometimes you just need to sit still and wait for the direction to make itself clear.

And so gradually it becomes clear at the gut level that we can never really know what's around the next corner but we have faith and trust that life is unfolding as it should. And there is always that sign in our heart pointing us toward harmony.

Hanging Out With The Pink Buddha

Pink Buddha

Acrylic on Matte Board

8" x 8" matted, image dimension 3.75 "x 4.5"

$25  free shipping in North America

I was wondering what to say about this little pink Buddha.  First I thought I might talk about the colour "pink" so I looked through my favourite book about colour (all about colour, by Janice Lindsay).   I toyed with regaling you with facts about pink.  Perhaps telling you that pink is calming and jail cells are often painted pink for this reason, weightlifters cannot do as many bench presses in a pink room as in a red one.  "And before WW ll pink was for boys because it was considered red's little brother".  But I decided against any of that.

I think I painted this little pink Buddha because the Buddha is always with me in some way, riding around on my shoulder or in my pocket, peeking out at me, patiently observing my human bumbling.  Some days I easily get caught and confused but today I somehow managed to slide along the surface of the day, without creating or getting drawn into any drama or stories.  I talked to a realtor, several friends, had to pay our taxes, organize passport documents, and my neighbour who teaches me many things offered an opportunity for me to watch my anger rise like a little brush fire and then left unattended it sputtered out.  

Today was a study in impermanence and faith.  The scenery and conversations were like passing clouds.   Can't give me a ride (a little internal grumble) and then it's okay.  Not the news I wanted to hear regarding real estate (a little internal grumble) and then a sense that I could have faith that everything would work out in the end, even if I didn't quite know how.  Unhooked and seemingly unattached to outcomes I skimmed lightly along like one of those little air hockey pucks.  I could acknowledge that the universe doesn't exist to please me and I could sense the confusion in those who seemed unthoughtful.  

It was fun to watch.  And I have no answer as to why some days I can be put off my game without much provocation and then there are days like to day  where I can somehow feel unattached to outcomes.  When I make comments like this to my kind teacher, she will often say, "it is the fruits of your training," but at some level it feels like a bit of a synergistic mystery to me.

So it is a day that I feel thankful for because it felt harmonious and peaceful and yet I know that sometimes the days I learn the most are the difficult days, fraught with challenge and dark feelings.  They are all good in the grand scheme of things.  But today the Buddha was pink and calming and for that respite I am truly grateful.